Having a Down Day ...

I'm starting to feel inadequate because I can't adequately explore my sexuality with my current living situation. I feel like this is the time when everyone is doing that, when you're supposed to, I mean its my 20s! And I'm posting in forums all night instead of going out and browsing a dungeon with friends. This all happened because of that stupid psychotic break. If it didn't happen, I'd be back on Colorado still going to munches, and the energy workshops, but not here, not now, because I can't go out at night, I'm still on the bus and Dallas is MUCH more gritty than Denver, it doesn't feel as safe, and there is NOTHING in Irving, for my demographic. Its all in Dallas or Ft.Worth or Arlington or something, I know it.

But I want to explore my sexuality. Even if I can't do it with my girlfriend of two years, because she lives in a different state, and I don't know how I'm going to get there. And neither of us wants to end up in Texas, though I have a feeling that once I start branching out and making friends here, it will be harder to leave.

I'm the kind of person that needs support, lots of people in my corner. I can't rock it alone very easy. I wonder if that's why the leopard totem came to me a couple of months ago. Well, years actually, I thought it was an otherkin side at first, but turns out its just a strong totem. But leopards are felines and felines have this solitary, independent nature. I need to learn to become more independent.

Maybe this means I learn how to drive. If I can drive, I can go out and do things, and my dad won't be as worried, he may not let me go clubbing, but I'm not really a clubbing type of person anyway, unless its a BDSM club, then I want to go. But I need friends! And the friends at my church aren't really my friends. I mean they wouldn't be if they really knew me. The trannyfag, polyamrous, kinky, wanna be ethical slut, therian starseed, no, they want like the straight acting charade I have going on.

Supposedly Seattle has a good poly community. Seattle is really close to Everett where my lovely gf lives. I wish I could just hitch-hike and move up there with her, but she's staying with her parents too, and she's still in school. So, I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed, use the law of attraction that a way will be made.

But yeah, I just had this moment of realization that I feel really inadequate as a person because I have no social outlet. I mean with my own people, trans, poly, otherkin people. I have my writing group, anime club, and the church group, but none of them 'get' me. Just my small circle of online friends ... guess in the mean time, until I develop an going offline --Dallas Edition plan, I'll expand my online friend circle. Browse fet for interesting trans people to talk to, I am soooo transamorous, if that makes me a chaser, so be it. I'm not ashamed. I mean I look at some of these transguys, and its like, yeah, I could so totally be with a transguy, I mean he would understand me, with my gender fluctuations and all... I don't know. He'd have to pass, I don't want my dad to be all dramatic or anything...

Wow, this is longer than I thought and I kinda went off on a tangent, just to say that I have no gender outlet, no place to talk about my gender squabbles in my brain, I mean I wanna be trans but I don't want to be on hormones and I don't want full top surgery, I like my long natural hair, I just wish I wasn't so endowed, I want a binder so badly! And more boxer shorts...and guy clothes, but not suits or tuxes, but ties yes! I love ties, and caps, newsboy caps, and scarves ... ugh. I'm going to shut up now ...

Star out.