I have been in passionate hate with myself for as long as I can remember, the reasons have always changed, but the hate or at least a mild dislike have always been there. Its time for that to change. I've been discussing the matter with my friend/mentor and she has given me some helpful tips to falling in love with myself.
1. Acknowledge the qualities that I already have and how I want those to best have a positive effect on the world.
2. Cultivate the things in myself that I'd fall in love with if they were in someone else.
3. Understand that I am already deserving of love both mine and others right now in this moment, support this foundation of belief and love by pulling forth those qualities you know are in you and meant to be yours and LIVE in those qualities to improve your life and the lives of others around you.
So once I've done that I should be off to an amazing start! Don't cha think?
12.08.2010
12.04.2010
Starting Over... Old Choices Made again
So, I have decided to identify as a lightworker and an elemental vampire. I like to feed mostly from the wind and from water i.e. storms/rain. But yeah, so, I fed recently and it was exhilarting, I was so inspired, and physically hungry afterward. And light worker, well that's because I read somewhere that its all about self-love. Which is what I need, what more people need. I know it sounds cheesy but I want to bring the realism back into it, and take the cheese out of it so people take it seriously.
I got a candle for hannukah so I can practice my grounding/centering. I also need to practice my shielding because other people's opinions seem to evoke strong emotions from me. And I don't think that's a good thing
But I am focusing my thoughts, using the law of attraction to bring my poly group/family/quad/pack to me. First the primary male which I will marry and we will move to Washington so I can be with Ria, my primary female,and we'll add, maybe a second male to our group, maybe. But one thing at a time. My alpha and then washington state where it rains a lot and I can keep well fed.
I like being an elemental vampire, it makes my connection to the earth less stupid and aggravating. I actually like the connection now. Whereas before, it made me uncomfortable. And I'm still researching a little more about the lightworker stuff.
"The Lightworker’s identity
Lightworkers are souls who carry the strong inner desire to spread Light – knowledge, freedom and self-love – on earth. They sense this as their mission. They are often attracted to spirituality and to therapeutic work of some kind.
Because of their deeply felt mission, lightworkers often feel different from other people. By experiencing different kinds of obstacles on their way, life provokes them to find their own unique path. Lightworkers are nearly always solitary individuals, not fitting into fixed societal structures."
from:http://www.jeshua.net/
that's what I read that made me want to be a light worker, that plus a youtube video I added to my playlist... don't want to look up that link right now though, I may add it later... who knows.
Anyway, that's all I wanted to blog about so .. until next time
Star out.
I got a candle for hannukah so I can practice my grounding/centering. I also need to practice my shielding because other people's opinions seem to evoke strong emotions from me. And I don't think that's a good thing
But I am focusing my thoughts, using the law of attraction to bring my poly group/family/quad/pack to me. First the primary male which I will marry and we will move to Washington so I can be with Ria, my primary female,and we'll add, maybe a second male to our group, maybe. But one thing at a time. My alpha and then washington state where it rains a lot and I can keep well fed.
I like being an elemental vampire, it makes my connection to the earth less stupid and aggravating. I actually like the connection now. Whereas before, it made me uncomfortable. And I'm still researching a little more about the lightworker stuff.
"The Lightworker’s identity
Lightworkers are souls who carry the strong inner desire to spread Light – knowledge, freedom and self-love – on earth. They sense this as their mission. They are often attracted to spirituality and to therapeutic work of some kind.
Because of their deeply felt mission, lightworkers often feel different from other people. By experiencing different kinds of obstacles on their way, life provokes them to find their own unique path. Lightworkers are nearly always solitary individuals, not fitting into fixed societal structures."
from:http://www.jeshua.net/
that's what I read that made me want to be a light worker, that plus a youtube video I added to my playlist... don't want to look up that link right now though, I may add it later... who knows.
Anyway, that's all I wanted to blog about so .. until next time
Star out.
11.10.2010
gender fluidity
what do you see as your personal "gender range?" Is there a clear definition between when you feel "male" or "female" or "androgynous," "non-gendered," "blended," etc? Or are you always in a state of flux?
Its a question I ran into on fetlife, in a gender fluid group. I wanted to answer but I want to answer here first, as a way of sort of drafting my response. I want a really wordy response like everyone else for some reason. Cause it is something that crosses my mind a lot. I want to get deeply involved with the transgender and gender queer communities...
But to answer the question...
I think my gender range is kind of narrow but within that narrow range its always in flux. Its on the femme side for masculine, think an effeminate male, long hair and long nails, but its sort of non-gendered for feminine, baggy pants, baggy shirts, really nondescript not really form fitting, wife beaters notwithstanding. But its a fluid blended mix of this femme male trying to be a masculine female, if that makes sense. But I am not in anyway butch, in fact I despise the word. I identify as a femme boi, I'm a boy that wants to be a girl, and that's the simplest way for me to say it. I'm a boy that wants to be a girl. But I'm not high femme like make up and dresses, no, I like my baggy jeans and layered shirts very much thank you -smirk-
But its also so fluid that it may change as I grow into this budding gender identity and find my gender expression which is a little difficult right now, but hey, all in due time right?
So that's my answer, I had a nice tie in with my sometimes asexuality but I'm not really feeling that right now, guess that's what I get for procrastinating on writing this blog and multi-tasking, right? Lol!
Its a question I ran into on fetlife, in a gender fluid group. I wanted to answer but I want to answer here first, as a way of sort of drafting my response. I want a really wordy response like everyone else for some reason. Cause it is something that crosses my mind a lot. I want to get deeply involved with the transgender and gender queer communities...
But to answer the question...
I think my gender range is kind of narrow but within that narrow range its always in flux. Its on the femme side for masculine, think an effeminate male, long hair and long nails, but its sort of non-gendered for feminine, baggy pants, baggy shirts, really nondescript not really form fitting, wife beaters notwithstanding. But its a fluid blended mix of this femme male trying to be a masculine female, if that makes sense. But I am not in anyway butch, in fact I despise the word. I identify as a femme boi, I'm a boy that wants to be a girl, and that's the simplest way for me to say it. I'm a boy that wants to be a girl. But I'm not high femme like make up and dresses, no, I like my baggy jeans and layered shirts very much thank you -smirk-
But its also so fluid that it may change as I grow into this budding gender identity and find my gender expression which is a little difficult right now, but hey, all in due time right?
So that's my answer, I had a nice tie in with my sometimes asexuality but I'm not really feeling that right now, guess that's what I get for procrastinating on writing this blog and multi-tasking, right? Lol!
11.06.2010
Science and Paganism
So I realized something (again)...
Studying Science can substitute for studying paganism. Especially for an agnostic pagan like me. Because science is the study of the earth of nature and paganism is the worship of the earth of nature, so they are like so close its uncanny, they are almost the same! For me they can be the same. I can study science as part of my paganism lessons.
I keep retaking this test on okcupid what kind of Scientist are you and here's the result I keep getting:
Systematist
You are 35% hard-core, and care 45% about the big picture!
You like looking at animals and plants. You probably caught insects as a kid and tried to pin them in a collection - you sick bastard. Your ideal vacation is to a sweltering jungle where you sit staring into a dissecting microscope describing a new species of obligate bromeliad mite parasite.
I keep retaking it to see if I can get a different result, and I got physical chemist once, but I didn't like that result either. My original, the first time I took it I kept getting geochemist. Here are all the possible results:
All possible test results
Eccentric Theorist
Social psychologist
Sociologist
Theologist
Molecular Biologist
Systematist
Sociobiologist
Ecologist
Physical Chemist
Organic Chemist
Biochemist
Geochemist
Particle Physicist
Material Scientist
Astronomer
Cosmologist
Analytician
Algebrist
Combinatoricist
Math Logician
I could take the test over and skip over the questions I'm not sure of....
so I did that and I got: Molecular Biologist
You are 25% hard-core, and care 6% about the big picture!
You really like running gels. Ooh Ooh! You like pretty SEM pictures even more! But systems biology probably makes you want to gag.
Curious...
Anyway. I'm studying science. I can have a lab and have it be like my altar or something like that, isn't that cool? I really want to get into physics or botany or something like that, oh and chemistry! I got a really big book from the library called The Science Book... I coulda got it last time but I reached the limit on how many items to have out which is like 50 or something like that. I have to read all the books I've started by January cause I'm going to job corps! My doctor finally signed the papers. -dances-
But that's like ten books I need to finish by January. Its Guilty Pleasures, Burnt Offerings, Circus of the Damned, Killing Dance, Lost Symbol, Spell of the Highlander, Kitty and the Midnight Hour, Laughing Corpse, Obsidian Butterfly and I think that's it... I hope I can finish. And I'll start doing some minor experiments and posting them on here and such, and I can study the laws of science like I would study the bible, see how they can apply to my life in a symbolic way,if that makes sense...
Well, until next time,
Star Out.
Oh, almost forgot, here's alink to that quiz I mentioned ...
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-what-kind-of-scientist-are-you-test
Have fun!
Oh and another tidbit, I took this Theism test and got Non Theist, more on that in my next blog...
Studying Science can substitute for studying paganism. Especially for an agnostic pagan like me. Because science is the study of the earth of nature and paganism is the worship of the earth of nature, so they are like so close its uncanny, they are almost the same! For me they can be the same. I can study science as part of my paganism lessons.
I keep retaking this test on okcupid what kind of Scientist are you and here's the result I keep getting:
Systematist
You are 35% hard-core, and care 45% about the big picture!
You like looking at animals and plants. You probably caught insects as a kid and tried to pin them in a collection - you sick bastard. Your ideal vacation is to a sweltering jungle where you sit staring into a dissecting microscope describing a new species of obligate bromeliad mite parasite.
I keep retaking it to see if I can get a different result, and I got physical chemist once, but I didn't like that result either. My original, the first time I took it I kept getting geochemist. Here are all the possible results:
All possible test results
Eccentric Theorist
Social psychologist
Sociologist
Theologist
Molecular Biologist
Systematist
Sociobiologist
Ecologist
Physical Chemist
Organic Chemist
Biochemist
Geochemist
Particle Physicist
Material Scientist
Astronomer
Cosmologist
Analytician
Algebrist
Combinatoricist
Math Logician
I could take the test over and skip over the questions I'm not sure of....
so I did that and I got: Molecular Biologist
You are 25% hard-core, and care 6% about the big picture!
You really like running gels. Ooh Ooh! You like pretty SEM pictures even more! But systems biology probably makes you want to gag.
Curious...
Anyway. I'm studying science. I can have a lab and have it be like my altar or something like that, isn't that cool? I really want to get into physics or botany or something like that, oh and chemistry! I got a really big book from the library called The Science Book... I coulda got it last time but I reached the limit on how many items to have out which is like 50 or something like that. I have to read all the books I've started by January cause I'm going to job corps! My doctor finally signed the papers. -dances-
But that's like ten books I need to finish by January. Its Guilty Pleasures, Burnt Offerings, Circus of the Damned, Killing Dance, Lost Symbol, Spell of the Highlander, Kitty and the Midnight Hour, Laughing Corpse, Obsidian Butterfly and I think that's it... I hope I can finish. And I'll start doing some minor experiments and posting them on here and such, and I can study the laws of science like I would study the bible, see how they can apply to my life in a symbolic way,if that makes sense...
Well, until next time,
Star Out.
Oh, almost forgot, here's alink to that quiz I mentioned ...
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-what-kind-of-scientist-are-you-test
Have fun!
Oh and another tidbit, I took this Theism test and got Non Theist, more on that in my next blog...
10.30.2010
NaNoWriMo Eve ...ish...
I'm feeling very agnostic and very starseed today, or rather lately. I have been trying to brush up on my science fiction and my math. Also my electronica music, I've been adding more of that music to my playlist, I still want to make that sort of music one day. And I will, once my first book becomes a best seller and I can buy that synthesizer I want a Korg Radias...
But really, I'm starting to think that agnosticism is my lens, my perception of the divine, because its like I don't believe in dogma, and so many gods are immersed in dogma, but I'm so hardwired to be theist that I can't forsake god completely even though all religions are just stories, even paganism, with all the mythology. I mean think about you got creation myths and apocalypse endings, its stories. fictions. And fictions that I do not care for, I might add.
I believe we get reincarnated after we die. We evolve and are reborn on a higher plane a different dimension or reality of existance. Like my next life I want to be Japanese and be a mangaka and be a mutant with like telepathy powers or something. But yeah, or I want to be a Time Lord traveling the galaxy with my crew that consists of a Trill, Vulcan, other Time Lords, an Isolus...ooh, I want to be an Isolus in my next life! Yeah...
But I've decided that this NaNoWriMo, I'm going to take it seriously, I'm going to type 2K words a day and create my world/fandom and it will not only be my world but it will be about my budding religion and beliefs... and then in December I can edit it and re-write it or continue it, if it gets really long and I'm gonna get an editor and get published and be famous and yeah, its gonna happen, then I can buy my dad a house in Colorado and a house in Texas and a private jet so we can visit both whenever we like! And I'm gonna have a loft in Downtown Denver near the sixteenth street mall!
O Dreams ...
I like feeling agnostic, it feels right somehow... and I think its funny how no one knows. How good I am at keeping it secret. There are times where I want to shout it from the rooftops but yeah I am silent. Silent Starseed. Agnostic Pagan, pagan only because it was the first religion and I want to get back to my roots, but I don't have a pantheon or anything. I have considered lately to go back to calling myself a quantum witch and trying spells again... not sure though...
Things seemed to move faster for me when I did think of myself as a quantum witch and do spells, I got everything I wanted even if it wasn't the way I wanted it. I just had to focus and use the right emotion for fuel, but It may not work because of Daddy's faith blocking it. He prays over me and stuff, when I was a quantum witch I was with my mom and she didn't do that...hmm, just something to factor in...
But spells take too much work! I'm feeling lazy. I don't want to have to put all that focus into things! Le sigh, I have a lot on my mind and I'm hungry so I'm probably going to log off soon. Daddy's making spaghetti, I'm excited. Spaghetti and Voyager, yay!
Okay, I'm tangent central here, if I'm gonna ramble at least let it be on topic... which I think I've said all I want to say for the day...yeah. Excited for NaNoWriMo -dances-
But really, I'm starting to think that agnosticism is my lens, my perception of the divine, because its like I don't believe in dogma, and so many gods are immersed in dogma, but I'm so hardwired to be theist that I can't forsake god completely even though all religions are just stories, even paganism, with all the mythology. I mean think about you got creation myths and apocalypse endings, its stories. fictions. And fictions that I do not care for, I might add.
I believe we get reincarnated after we die. We evolve and are reborn on a higher plane a different dimension or reality of existance. Like my next life I want to be Japanese and be a mangaka and be a mutant with like telepathy powers or something. But yeah, or I want to be a Time Lord traveling the galaxy with my crew that consists of a Trill, Vulcan, other Time Lords, an Isolus...ooh, I want to be an Isolus in my next life! Yeah...
But I've decided that this NaNoWriMo, I'm going to take it seriously, I'm going to type 2K words a day and create my world/fandom and it will not only be my world but it will be about my budding religion and beliefs... and then in December I can edit it and re-write it or continue it, if it gets really long and I'm gonna get an editor and get published and be famous and yeah, its gonna happen, then I can buy my dad a house in Colorado and a house in Texas and a private jet so we can visit both whenever we like! And I'm gonna have a loft in Downtown Denver near the sixteenth street mall!
O Dreams ...
I like feeling agnostic, it feels right somehow... and I think its funny how no one knows. How good I am at keeping it secret. There are times where I want to shout it from the rooftops but yeah I am silent. Silent Starseed. Agnostic Pagan, pagan only because it was the first religion and I want to get back to my roots, but I don't have a pantheon or anything. I have considered lately to go back to calling myself a quantum witch and trying spells again... not sure though...
Things seemed to move faster for me when I did think of myself as a quantum witch and do spells, I got everything I wanted even if it wasn't the way I wanted it. I just had to focus and use the right emotion for fuel, but It may not work because of Daddy's faith blocking it. He prays over me and stuff, when I was a quantum witch I was with my mom and she didn't do that...hmm, just something to factor in...
But spells take too much work! I'm feeling lazy. I don't want to have to put all that focus into things! Le sigh, I have a lot on my mind and I'm hungry so I'm probably going to log off soon. Daddy's making spaghetti, I'm excited. Spaghetti and Voyager, yay!
Okay, I'm tangent central here, if I'm gonna ramble at least let it be on topic... which I think I've said all I want to say for the day...yeah. Excited for NaNoWriMo -dances-
10.09.2010
Another Relgion Post...
So. I have decided not to think of myself as Christian anymore. I am out of love with the Christian god and ready to explore my other options. My first thing would be that now I can study paganism, but there's my dad I have to worry about. So, I have to back off and look into other things, but then its like what else is there that I want to study? I don't like organized religion. Its man made and full of holes. Besides everything has pagan roots because paganism is the first religion.
I joined a UU yahoo group so I'm going to try and talk with folks there and see how it goes.
But its like an epiphany. Christianity is a mythology just like any other religion. Its silly to put your faith in a bunch of outlandish fantasy stories and guide your life by thema and try to intrepret symbolism and allegory where there is none. Jonah got swallowed by a big fish. That's not symbolic for if you turn away from god you're gonna get eaten or whatever people try to make it out to be.
I still consider myself an agnostic pagan though. I just have no guide book, no pastor that dictates where I should go with my life, its all on me now. Scary thought, huh?
I really want to write bdsm fiction but I can't seem to get an idea started and going. I need a place where I can escape and write and be. I need a world of my own. Even the world I have with my gf is tied to relgion, which is fine, my main character is the devil, I am fascinated by him as well and want to find out more about him and think his story should be told from a different light, making him the hero, but still, I need to have something else. And everything is spiritual for me, it has to have some deeper meaning to it otherwise its like no fun, Well that's not entirely true. I read urban fantasy no problem and there's nt necessarily any deeper meaning in that, but I can't *write* urban fantasy, I've tried and I can't find my grove in it -sigh-
So I'm on this labyrinth to discover what I believe and I want to write it in a story and I'm at a loss ... for now. Wish me luck on my path, until next time..
Star out.
I joined a UU yahoo group so I'm going to try and talk with folks there and see how it goes.
But its like an epiphany. Christianity is a mythology just like any other religion. Its silly to put your faith in a bunch of outlandish fantasy stories and guide your life by thema and try to intrepret symbolism and allegory where there is none. Jonah got swallowed by a big fish. That's not symbolic for if you turn away from god you're gonna get eaten or whatever people try to make it out to be.
I still consider myself an agnostic pagan though. I just have no guide book, no pastor that dictates where I should go with my life, its all on me now. Scary thought, huh?
I really want to write bdsm fiction but I can't seem to get an idea started and going. I need a place where I can escape and write and be. I need a world of my own. Even the world I have with my gf is tied to relgion, which is fine, my main character is the devil, I am fascinated by him as well and want to find out more about him and think his story should be told from a different light, making him the hero, but still, I need to have something else. And everything is spiritual for me, it has to have some deeper meaning to it otherwise its like no fun, Well that's not entirely true. I read urban fantasy no problem and there's nt necessarily any deeper meaning in that, but I can't *write* urban fantasy, I've tried and I can't find my grove in it -sigh-
So I'm on this labyrinth to discover what I believe and I want to write it in a story and I'm at a loss ... for now. Wish me luck on my path, until next time..
Star out.
9.04.2010
Unitarian Universalism and Me
My moods swing every which way and that includes for religion. I feel agnostic one day and pagan the next, Christian the day after that. I need a place where I can be every and all those at the same time without it seen as a contradiction.
And thus my conversion to Unitarian Universalism is born.
I want to observe all the holidays and observances, study any writings/books and decide what will be my holy books the same thing for music for worship music. I want to walk my own path with PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
I want to do more than pray and meditate, I want to do. And UU involvement in social justice can fulfill that need. I want to love the way I want to love, the way that feels right for me. I am a panromantic, polyamorous,fandomsexual/demisexual.
And I want to write Unitarian Universalist fiction like there is christian fiction.
I have the idea of my first novel. A UU Retreat and a new convert. I wrote a christian fiction book with that premise before, so it should be easy. I may post excerpts here on my blog, I don't know...
I may put a leather family in there, I have some poly characters and trans characters and of course some queer/gay characters. I am debating if I want to make it urban fantasy and have vampires and werefolk in it. I may just put otherkin in there instead of the fictional kinds. Make it more realistic and such.
I've also been debating if I should start a new blog strictly for my UU writings and thoughts... I may, I wanted to start a zine but a blog might be easier. I don't have a PO box or anything for people to send money for stamps and such. -sigh-.
I really want to start a zine though....
And thus my conversion to Unitarian Universalism is born.
I want to observe all the holidays and observances, study any writings/books and decide what will be my holy books the same thing for music for worship music. I want to walk my own path with PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
I want to do more than pray and meditate, I want to do. And UU involvement in social justice can fulfill that need. I want to love the way I want to love, the way that feels right for me. I am a panromantic, polyamorous,fandomsexual/demisexual.
And I want to write Unitarian Universalist fiction like there is christian fiction.
I have the idea of my first novel. A UU Retreat and a new convert. I wrote a christian fiction book with that premise before, so it should be easy. I may post excerpts here on my blog, I don't know...
I may put a leather family in there, I have some poly characters and trans characters and of course some queer/gay characters. I am debating if I want to make it urban fantasy and have vampires and werefolk in it. I may just put otherkin in there instead of the fictional kinds. Make it more realistic and such.
I've also been debating if I should start a new blog strictly for my UU writings and thoughts... I may, I wanted to start a zine but a blog might be easier. I don't have a PO box or anything for people to send money for stamps and such. -sigh-.
I really want to start a zine though....
8.07.2010
Reciepe I found and would like to try one day
I combined bread and berries this year in a quick bread.
CHERRY PIE LOAF (or Blueberry)
1 cup veggie oil (or canola or olive)
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups granulated sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 (20 oz) can cherry pie filling (or blueberry)
1 cup chopped pecans (or other nuts)
Beat together eggs, oil and vanilla.
Sift dry ingredients together and add to egg mixture.
Stir in pie filling by hand.
Pour into two greased loaf pans.
Bake at 325 F for one hour.
I didn't have any nuts so I sprinkled a mixture of cinnamon and sugar on the top for a strussel topping, YUM. The family devoured one and the other is going to Lammas ritual.
((Source:http://www.mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=217914))
CHERRY PIE LOAF (or Blueberry)
1 cup veggie oil (or canola or olive)
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups granulated sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 (20 oz) can cherry pie filling (or blueberry)
1 cup chopped pecans (or other nuts)
Beat together eggs, oil and vanilla.
Sift dry ingredients together and add to egg mixture.
Stir in pie filling by hand.
Pour into two greased loaf pans.
Bake at 325 F for one hour.
I didn't have any nuts so I sprinkled a mixture of cinnamon and sugar on the top for a strussel topping, YUM. The family devoured one and the other is going to Lammas ritual.
((Source:http://www.mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=217914))
7.12.2010
Kinky Muse....
I've decided I want to write BDSM Fiction. There isn't enough of it in the world I don't think. I want pain slut characters and virgins who are discovering some new part of their sexuality stumbling into dungeons in remote parts of town. I want sensual Masters and Cruel Mistresses to grace my pages.
I want to saturate the world with BDSM fiction. It can be my way of finding and discovering where I stand exactly in the world. Instead of just a virgin fetishist. I know, I know most of it will be pure fantasy as I am still a virgin, but we all gotta start somewhere, right?
It will be written during my 'everything I write sucks' phase so its all good.
One day I want to write my thesis on the psychology of BDSM or BDSM in fiction, probably the latter. I want to study this stuff, and surround myself in the beauty of it. I want to fill shelves with my naughty imagination. That's my goal, one of my many dreams. And I'm gonna do it.
I want to co-write erotica and BDSM fiction with my lovers (as soon as I have a lover again). I want to be a famous fiction writer and BDSM is my genre. I realize I'm repeating myself but I can't help it. I want it so much!
I want to saturate the world with BDSM fiction. It can be my way of finding and discovering where I stand exactly in the world. Instead of just a virgin fetishist. I know, I know most of it will be pure fantasy as I am still a virgin, but we all gotta start somewhere, right?
It will be written during my 'everything I write sucks' phase so its all good.
One day I want to write my thesis on the psychology of BDSM or BDSM in fiction, probably the latter. I want to study this stuff, and surround myself in the beauty of it. I want to fill shelves with my naughty imagination. That's my goal, one of my many dreams. And I'm gonna do it.
I want to co-write erotica and BDSM fiction with my lovers (as soon as I have a lover again). I want to be a famous fiction writer and BDSM is my genre. I realize I'm repeating myself but I can't help it. I want it so much!
5.22.2010
Neodruid Athiest
Okay so I'm black but I'm drawn to the Celts. There has to be some Irish/Scottish something in my somewhere otherwise, why the draw? I am thinking of making a second SCA persona, one from Celtic Gaul. The other one is from Moorish Spain. That way I'm covered for both my ideal places in History. The moorish spain one will still be set in France, and the Celtic Gaul one maybe from Scotland or Wales.
I want to be a druid, so I'm researching that. I feel really drawn to that path for some reason. It has to be a secret I know, until I find a mentor. I feel really agnostic lately though, so maybe I'm an Agnostic Druid or maybe even a neodruid athiest. I still believe in some sort of afterlife. Reincarnation mostly, but the idea of the Christian God is getting harder and harder to accept. Everything. EVERYTHING has pagan roots. I think its high time I discover mine.
My dad dug deep to find his jewish roots, time I take the baton and dig deeper to find our pagan roots. It sure as hell ain't anything voodoo, not really. I'm drawn to Oya, goddess of the wind but other than that, there really isn't a draw to the Yoruban pantheon/religion beliefs. Except that I like how they connect to Catholicism, like the Celts did. Its part of the reason I want a rosary.
But I want a rosary without Jesus on the cross, just a Celtic cross on the end, black wooden beads -nods- Eventually, one day, maybe.
Just as short blog to update myself on my progress since the psychosis and diagnosis of being bipolar. I'm stable on risperidone and should be starting job corps soon!
until next time,
Star out.
I want to be a druid, so I'm researching that. I feel really drawn to that path for some reason. It has to be a secret I know, until I find a mentor. I feel really agnostic lately though, so maybe I'm an Agnostic Druid or maybe even a neodruid athiest. I still believe in some sort of afterlife. Reincarnation mostly, but the idea of the Christian God is getting harder and harder to accept. Everything. EVERYTHING has pagan roots. I think its high time I discover mine.
My dad dug deep to find his jewish roots, time I take the baton and dig deeper to find our pagan roots. It sure as hell ain't anything voodoo, not really. I'm drawn to Oya, goddess of the wind but other than that, there really isn't a draw to the Yoruban pantheon/religion beliefs. Except that I like how they connect to Catholicism, like the Celts did. Its part of the reason I want a rosary.
But I want a rosary without Jesus on the cross, just a Celtic cross on the end, black wooden beads -nods- Eventually, one day, maybe.
Just as short blog to update myself on my progress since the psychosis and diagnosis of being bipolar. I'm stable on risperidone and should be starting job corps soon!
until next time,
Star out.
2.18.2010
(re) defining lesbian
I am a lesbian.
I am trans.
I am femme.
And I will always consider myself a girl in the way only a male can.
I like girls. A LOT. I am still attracted to guys, like I can look at a guy and tell you if I think he is cute or not, but as far as relationships go, I would rather it be with a woman. Or a femme identified male, like me.
It doesn't taste an awkward lie to call myself gay or lez, like it does with saying I'm bi. I love myself more when I call myself lesbian.
LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN....damn that word feels good.
I am trans.
I am femme.
And I will always consider myself a girl in the way only a male can.
I like girls. A LOT. I am still attracted to guys, like I can look at a guy and tell you if I think he is cute or not, but as far as relationships go, I would rather it be with a woman. Or a femme identified male, like me.
It doesn't taste an awkward lie to call myself gay or lez, like it does with saying I'm bi. I love myself more when I call myself lesbian.
LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN....damn that word feels good.
1.20.2010
So, I'm Trans ...
I have been asking myself or had this feeling in the back of my mind of 'is it okay to be a girl' and I thought something was wrong with me. Because biologically I am a girl. But, I'm a boy. Its like, all through school, I dressed 'butch' and got mistaken for a dyke, but I wasn't. I was a girl. So it was like subconsciously I knew I was male, but I didn't know how to express it cause my body didn't 'match'. Like uber dysphoria on a level that was like unexpress-able, which for me was like, non-existance.
Now, I have reached out and gotten wise words from others who have been in my place, other femme ftms, and I can hold my head high, grab my pink boa and dance, celebrating my femininity as a guy, the way I feel I should. I mean it feels so right to feel sexy and girly but at the same time, embracing my soul, my mind set as male. Male in mind. Female in Expression. Like, I don't know I'm a transvestite or something?
A Male Transvestite in a Female Body?
Maybe.
Could work.
I mean like the sound of that. Lol.
Its all thanks to my otherkin side, which I found to be just a dragon. He has many elements so that I can adopt other archetypes, but they all converge on the dragon. I like polymorphic alien though. I probably will still refer to myself as an alien. And I am still a multiple, but its like superposition. We all exist and then converge on the one. The wave and the particle.
Its kinda funny that I am like, looking at myself with new eyes, eyes of love instead of hate. I feel my wings extend and I visualize myself soaring, high in the sky, like the avian I am, its exhilarating. Who knew self-love could be as passionate as self-hate? I know its a mere shift of polarity but its like worlds ... worlds apart.
And I like the fact that I can travel back and forth as I please, all for the sake of maintaining balance. I mean everyone had dark days, right? I know for a fact that unless something drastic, like uber drastic happens that I go so dark that my inhibitions are gone, I won't actually kill myself, not in body anyway. I've done it in spirit a couple of times, and as I have more than one, (transgender = twin spirit or two spirit as you will ) it kinda explains things in retrospect, but I never really had the balls to just pull the trigger for good, deep down I knew I had too much to live for.
It must have been some sort of entanglement pre-cognition. Like I knew I had yet to feel this cause I already felt it, but because of the construct/illusion of Time, I had to wait for it. Stuck on the slow path as it were.
Another thing that embracing this has helped me with, I realize that the 'form' I rest in is something close to Mrs. Who or Mrs. Whatsit from Wrinkle in Time, cause like sometimes I can't get my words right so I like quote or go in and out of languages, lol. Quarky right?
Anyway, its amazing what embracing one's gender identity can do for a guy ::wink::
Now, I have reached out and gotten wise words from others who have been in my place, other femme ftms, and I can hold my head high, grab my pink boa and dance, celebrating my femininity as a guy, the way I feel I should. I mean it feels so right to feel sexy and girly but at the same time, embracing my soul, my mind set as male. Male in mind. Female in Expression. Like, I don't know I'm a transvestite or something?
A Male Transvestite in a Female Body?
Maybe.
Could work.
I mean like the sound of that. Lol.
Its all thanks to my otherkin side, which I found to be just a dragon. He has many elements so that I can adopt other archetypes, but they all converge on the dragon. I like polymorphic alien though. I probably will still refer to myself as an alien. And I am still a multiple, but its like superposition. We all exist and then converge on the one. The wave and the particle.
Its kinda funny that I am like, looking at myself with new eyes, eyes of love instead of hate. I feel my wings extend and I visualize myself soaring, high in the sky, like the avian I am, its exhilarating. Who knew self-love could be as passionate as self-hate? I know its a mere shift of polarity but its like worlds ... worlds apart.
And I like the fact that I can travel back and forth as I please, all for the sake of maintaining balance. I mean everyone had dark days, right? I know for a fact that unless something drastic, like uber drastic happens that I go so dark that my inhibitions are gone, I won't actually kill myself, not in body anyway. I've done it in spirit a couple of times, and as I have more than one, (transgender = twin spirit or two spirit as you will ) it kinda explains things in retrospect, but I never really had the balls to just pull the trigger for good, deep down I knew I had too much to live for.
It must have been some sort of entanglement pre-cognition. Like I knew I had yet to feel this cause I already felt it, but because of the construct/illusion of Time, I had to wait for it. Stuck on the slow path as it were.
Another thing that embracing this has helped me with, I realize that the 'form' I rest in is something close to Mrs. Who or Mrs. Whatsit from Wrinkle in Time, cause like sometimes I can't get my words right so I like quote or go in and out of languages, lol. Quarky right?
Anyway, its amazing what embracing one's gender identity can do for a guy ::wink::
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