NaNoWriMo Eve ...ish...

I'm feeling very agnostic and very starseed today, or rather lately. I have been trying to brush up on my science fiction and my math. Also my electronica music, I've been adding more of that music to my playlist, I still want to make that sort of music one day. And I will, once my first book becomes a best seller and I can buy that synthesizer I want a Korg Radias...

But really, I'm starting to think that agnosticism is my lens, my perception of the divine, because its like I don't believe in dogma, and so many gods are immersed in dogma, but I'm so hardwired to be theist that I can't forsake god completely even though all religions are just stories, even paganism, with all the mythology. I mean think about you got creation myths and apocalypse endings, its stories. fictions. And fictions that I do not care for, I might add.

I believe we get reincarnated after we die. We evolve and are reborn on a higher plane a different dimension or reality of existance. Like my next life I want to be Japanese and be a mangaka and be a mutant with like telepathy powers or something. But yeah, or I want to be a Time Lord traveling the galaxy with my crew that consists of a Trill, Vulcan, other Time Lords, an Isolus...ooh, I want to be an Isolus in my next life! Yeah...

But I've decided that this NaNoWriMo, I'm going to take it seriously, I'm going to type 2K words a day and create my world/fandom and it will not only be my world but it will be about my budding religion and beliefs... and then in December I can edit it and re-write it or continue it, if it gets really long and I'm gonna get an editor and get published and be famous and yeah, its gonna happen, then I can buy my dad a house in Colorado and a house in Texas and a private jet so we can visit both whenever we like! And I'm gonna have a loft in Downtown Denver near the sixteenth street mall!

O Dreams ...

I like feeling agnostic, it feels right somehow... and I think its funny how no one knows. How good I am at keeping it secret. There are times where I want to shout it from the rooftops but yeah I am silent. Silent Starseed. Agnostic Pagan, pagan only because it was the first religion and I want to get back to my roots, but I don't have a pantheon or anything. I have considered lately to go back to calling myself a quantum witch and trying spells again... not sure though...

Things seemed to move faster for me when I did think of myself as a quantum witch and do spells, I got everything I wanted even if it wasn't the way I wanted it. I just had to focus and use the right emotion for fuel, but It may not work because of Daddy's faith blocking it. He prays over me and stuff, when I was a quantum witch I was with my mom and she didn't do that...hmm, just something to factor in...

But spells take too much work! I'm feeling lazy. I don't want to have to put all that focus into things! Le sigh, I have a lot on my mind and I'm hungry so I'm probably going to log off soon. Daddy's making spaghetti, I'm excited. Spaghetti and Voyager, yay!

Okay, I'm tangent central here, if I'm gonna ramble at least let it be on topic... which I think I've said all I want to say for the day...yeah. Excited for NaNoWriMo -dances-

Another Relgion Post...

So. I have decided not to think of myself as Christian anymore. I am out of love with the Christian god and ready to explore my other options. My first thing would be that now I can study paganism, but there's my dad I have to worry about. So, I have to back off and look into other things, but then its like what else is there that I want to study? I don't like organized religion. Its man made and full of holes. Besides everything has pagan roots because paganism is the first religion.

I joined a UU yahoo group so I'm going to try and talk with folks there and see how it goes.

But its like an epiphany. Christianity is a mythology just like any other religion. Its silly to put your faith in a bunch of outlandish fantasy stories and guide your life by thema and try to intrepret symbolism and allegory where there is none. Jonah got swallowed by a big fish. That's not symbolic for if you turn away from god you're gonna get eaten or whatever people try to make it out to be.

I still consider myself an agnostic pagan though. I just have no guide book, no pastor that dictates where I should go with my life, its all on me now. Scary thought, huh?

I really want to write bdsm fiction but I can't seem to get an idea started and going. I need a place where I can escape and write and be. I need a world of my own. Even the world I have with my gf is tied to relgion, which is fine, my main character is the devil, I am fascinated by him as well and want to find out more about him and think his story should be told from a different light, making him the hero, but still, I need to have something else. And everything is spiritual for me, it has to have some deeper meaning to it otherwise its like no fun, Well that's not entirely true. I read urban fantasy no problem and there's nt necessarily any deeper meaning in that, but I can't *write* urban fantasy, I've tried and I can't find my grove in it -sigh-

So I'm on this labyrinth to discover what I believe and I want to write it in a story and I'm at a loss ... for now. Wish me luck on my path, until next time..

Star out.