Now I can rest easy

So, this is a retraction of my retraction, it seems I have been duped by islamophobic propaganda. I have found these response videos to that islam vid I posted a couple of blogs ago. But here are some response videos to that video that sorta clears up everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_t8xW4QuN0&feature=related

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz1GeyWuC18

I can once again rest easy in finding the beauty in islam once again! I can dream about wearing a hijab and praying five times a day and such. Which makes me happy. I am still unsure if I want to learn Arabic, I'm sort of on a Japanese craze right now after having watched the Absolute Boyfriend Live Action which is getting me into jdramas.

I am still trying to watch Hana-Kimi live action, both of them have the very yummy eye candy Hiro Mizushima in them so it makes it fun to watch. There are significantly more eye candy in Hana-Kimi since its story line is set in a school for attractive young boys. I may try to read the manga afterward, since I think Hana-Kimi is a live action too, I'm not sure. But some small updates in my case other than watching jdramas all day. I have the busiest week of my life next week. I have an interview with Sonic at four pm on Tuesday, Library Volunteer Wednesday, then my DARS appointment on Thursday, oh not to mention Writing club on Monday. I just hope I can survive it. That's two unfamiliar bus trips in one week! One of them I have to try to take a new bus, but I'm going to ask my dad about the location of Sonic cause I think its the same one I'm thinking of, cause the DART guy I called said it was on Walnut Hill but the lady who called me for the interview said it was on the highway, and it is by the highway, I'm just, I don't know, I want to be sure. It is a job interview. I am kinda worried though. Cause the volunteer coordinator at the library said it was possible that the part time job openings might be unfrozen in October, and if I get a job at Sonic, then ... I don't know.

I mean I thought the same thing when I interviewed for Blockbuster and something went wrong, so who knows maybe something will go wrong for this Sonic interview too and I can still be in the running for the library job. But I don't know, how can I mess up an interview for Sonic, that's like made for first time job applyers, right? They are used to teenagers and such working for them, so the fact that I am on the bus shouldn't be too unusual, even though most teenagers can drive. Maybe its time I learn to drive, just for the sake of my independence? I mean Daddy said he would get me a car if I learned how to drive. I should take the offer while its still on the table. Its really annoying that thoughts of my independence is linked with these morbid thoughts of death and abandonment. I don't know why but it is. I wish the thoughts would go away. Maybe they will one day. But back to the job front. I have been waking up thinking, just yesterday and today, thinking about my ideal guy, and when I applied for jobs yesterday, which Sonic was one of them, I remember thinking to myself that I'm doing this for him. I really want my poly family and to get out of Texas and to be happy and free from the worry of losing my parents and not being able to take care of myself. I'm my dad's only child, and my mom has two other daughters, so she should be fine, but I'm all my dad's got, so I feel like I have to sorta be there for him, so he won't be completely alone.

But when I'm around him, I feel null, like I'm not able to be completely myself or something, not like how I felt when I was at Mommy's in Colorado. She had me doing things myself because really I had no choice. She didn't offer to take me places or anything like that because her car didn't usually work, and she was trying to be on call for a job or something. I don't know. I pray that I never have to go through that. I want there to always be someone around to take care of me. Does that seem childish? But I want a job that if I get a chance to move, it won't hurt me emotionally to leave the job, and if i get the job at Sonic, I won't get that invested and want to keep the job for years and years because its like my dream day job or something like that. Working at the library is like a dream day job, I can work a few hours every day and then go home to work on my book and spend time with friends and such. But I don't know if I want that in Texas, cause eventually I want to go back to Colorado, or Washington and eventually, Toronto or maybe London, or Boston, or maybe even Maine. So I don't know there's that, and besides, it seems like the application process for the library might be complicated or even embarrassing like I'd have to do it in person or something!! D:

So hopefully I get to find out my psych evaluation results next week, find out my IQ and all that good stuff, I won't have my job log finished but hopefully I won't get into too much trouble for that -bites nails- I started late cause I wasn't sure I was going to continue with the program, but I want to at least find out my IQ and the results of my evaluation so I'll go through with it just to see that at least, and if they kick me out because I didn't fill out my job log, so be it. I can just fill out the job log on my own time and job search on my own. It has helped, I'll admit to that much. But yeah, I wanted to make a retraction of that Islam thing, so I don't seem like an Islamophobe, spreading propaganda or anything like that. I don't want to be some sort of bigot or anything like that. So I wanted to clear that up.

Enough rambling from me, until next time, Star out.