Spiritual Essays.

I've mentioned it before, maybe not on here, but I've contemplated writing spiritual essays. It would work out my writers muscle, and help me unify and stablize my spirituality. Help shape it, give it some flesh and bone, some meat and weight to it. I would most likely put it on my wordpress blog. But I think in the spirit of discipline and new awakenings, I should start. Not try, but do. And I don't want them to sound like sermons, more like meditations of sort. So I should avoid using words like should and such, like just be peaceful and zen about it. I wonder what the topic will be about today. I'm thinking it will be like a series of looking at the bible with new eyes of self-love, from a pagan perspective or something. That way my dad will think I'm reading my bible, and I am, but not like he is, or am I? O.o;

Anyway, just a quick blog/blurb of something else I want to do. Maybe not an everyday thing, but a regular thing. I dont know if I would want to share them with my writing group. But we'll see...

Happy to be Bio-Female

I'm having a good day today. It started last night, when I was replying to my mentor's message on facebook, we've sort of moved from email to facebook. But anyway, she mentioned hoop dancing a while ago and I didn't really think much of it, but now, (maybe its the energy from my period) now I am obsessed with wanting to learn and master it. I also tried out yoga this morning. Yoga is soo awesome! I was sweating and my heart was racing, ten times better than using my dad's total gym machine and that old school exercise bike. I didn't even sweat when I used those. With yoga, I think I only did five minutes this time, to start off, and I can tell this is for me. That combined with hoop dancing and martial arts? Watch out, world! Here I come! I'll be sexy and confident in no time!

But This is another gender rant. I am bio-female. I was born with a vagina. And I've been denying my gender, pretending it wasnt there. Part of it was my Judeo-Christian upbringing that made me believe it was evil and wrong to do anything to embrace it, and feel sexy. I was ashamed to have a period, something as natural as that! And I attached shame to it. Well, no more! I may be gender queer or genderfluid or omnigendered, bigendered, or whatever term I feel like using, but I am still in a female body, and my female psyche has been hurt that I have been thinking so lowly of her.

I watched this Tony Robbins clip on youtube, this little mini training video thing. Well, really it was two of them. One was the Five keys to thrive and the other one was New Year New Life. And they have really changed the way I am looking at life. I took copious notes in one of my journals. And the message he had is one of the driving forces behind this change I'm undergoing.

Samhain = Celtic New Year, so technically its a new year. New Year = New Beginnings. Its time for a new Star to burst forth. I am done hating myself. DONE DONE DONE.

Star out.

I hate gender!

I hate it I hate it I hate it.
Why do we have to choose anyway?
Fuck Pronouns!
Fuck Dysphoria
Fuck Transitioning

Just fuck it all

Having a Down Day ...

I'm starting to feel inadequate because I can't adequately explore my sexuality with my current living situation. I feel like this is the time when everyone is doing that, when you're supposed to, I mean its my 20s! And I'm posting in forums all night instead of going out and browsing a dungeon with friends. This all happened because of that stupid psychotic break. If it didn't happen, I'd be back on Colorado still going to munches, and the energy workshops, but not here, not now, because I can't go out at night, I'm still on the bus and Dallas is MUCH more gritty than Denver, it doesn't feel as safe, and there is NOTHING in Irving, for my demographic. Its all in Dallas or Ft.Worth or Arlington or something, I know it.

But I want to explore my sexuality. Even if I can't do it with my girlfriend of two years, because she lives in a different state, and I don't know how I'm going to get there. And neither of us wants to end up in Texas, though I have a feeling that once I start branching out and making friends here, it will be harder to leave.

I'm the kind of person that needs support, lots of people in my corner. I can't rock it alone very easy. I wonder if that's why the leopard totem came to me a couple of months ago. Well, years actually, I thought it was an otherkin side at first, but turns out its just a strong totem. But leopards are felines and felines have this solitary, independent nature. I need to learn to become more independent.

Maybe this means I learn how to drive. If I can drive, I can go out and do things, and my dad won't be as worried, he may not let me go clubbing, but I'm not really a clubbing type of person anyway, unless its a BDSM club, then I want to go. But I need friends! And the friends at my church aren't really my friends. I mean they wouldn't be if they really knew me. The trannyfag, polyamrous, kinky, wanna be ethical slut, therian starseed, no, they want like the straight acting charade I have going on.

Supposedly Seattle has a good poly community. Seattle is really close to Everett where my lovely gf lives. I wish I could just hitch-hike and move up there with her, but she's staying with her parents too, and she's still in school. So, I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed, use the law of attraction that a way will be made.

But yeah, I just had this moment of realization that I feel really inadequate as a person because I have no social outlet. I mean with my own people, trans, poly, otherkin people. I have my writing group, anime club, and the church group, but none of them 'get' me. Just my small circle of online friends ... guess in the mean time, until I develop an going offline --Dallas Edition plan, I'll expand my online friend circle. Browse fet for interesting trans people to talk to, I am soooo transamorous, if that makes me a chaser, so be it. I'm not ashamed. I mean I look at some of these transguys, and its like, yeah, I could so totally be with a transguy, I mean he would understand me, with my gender fluctuations and all... I don't know. He'd have to pass, I don't want my dad to be all dramatic or anything...

Wow, this is longer than I thought and I kinda went off on a tangent, just to say that I have no gender outlet, no place to talk about my gender squabbles in my brain, I mean I wanna be trans but I don't want to be on hormones and I don't want full top surgery, I like my long natural hair, I just wish I wasn't so endowed, I want a binder so badly! And more boxer shorts...and guy clothes, but not suits or tuxes, but ties yes! I love ties, and caps, newsboy caps, and scarves ... ugh. I'm going to shut up now ...

Star out.