(re) defining lesbian

I am a lesbian.

I am trans.

I am femme.

And I will always consider myself a girl in the way only a male can.

I like girls. A LOT. I am still attracted to guys, like I can look at a guy and tell you if I think he is cute or not, but as far as relationships go, I would rather it be with a woman. Or a femme identified male, like me.

It doesn't taste an awkward lie to call myself gay or lez, like it does with saying I'm bi. I love myself more when I call myself lesbian.


LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN....damn that word feels good.

So, I'm Trans ...

I have been asking myself or had this feeling in the back of my mind of 'is it okay to be a girl' and I thought something was wrong with me. Because biologically I am a girl. But, I'm a boy. Its like, all through school, I dressed 'butch' and got mistaken for a dyke, but I wasn't. I was a girl. So it was like subconsciously I knew I was male, but I didn't know how to express it cause my body didn't 'match'. Like uber dysphoria on a level that was like unexpress-able, which for me was like, non-existance.

Now, I have reached out and gotten wise words from others who have been in my place, other femme ftms, and I can hold my head high, grab my pink boa and dance, celebrating my femininity as a guy, the way I feel I should. I mean it feels so right to feel sexy and girly but at the same time, embracing my soul, my mind set as male. Male in mind. Female in Expression. Like, I don't know I'm a transvestite or something?

A Male Transvestite in a Female Body?

Maybe.

Could work.

I mean like the sound of that. Lol.

Its all thanks to my otherkin side, which I found to be just a dragon. He has many elements so that I can adopt other archetypes, but they all converge on the dragon. I like polymorphic alien though. I probably will still refer to myself as an alien. And I am still a multiple, but its like superposition. We all exist and then converge on the one. The wave and the particle.

Its kinda funny that I am like, looking at myself with new eyes, eyes of love instead of hate. I feel my wings extend and I visualize myself soaring, high in the sky, like the avian I am, its exhilarating. Who knew self-love could be as passionate as self-hate? I know its a mere shift of polarity but its like worlds ... worlds apart.

And I like the fact that I can travel back and forth as I please, all for the sake of maintaining balance. I mean everyone had dark days, right? I know for a fact that unless something drastic, like uber drastic happens that I go so dark that my inhibitions are gone, I won't actually kill myself, not in body anyway. I've done it in spirit a couple of times, and as I have more than one, (transgender = twin spirit or two spirit as you will ) it kinda explains things in retrospect, but I never really had the balls to just pull the trigger for good, deep down I knew I had too much to live for.

It must have been some sort of entanglement pre-cognition. Like I knew I had yet to feel this cause I already felt it, but because of the construct/illusion of Time, I had to wait for it. Stuck on the slow path as it were.

Another thing that embracing this has helped me with, I realize that the 'form' I rest in is something close to Mrs. Who or Mrs. Whatsit from Wrinkle in Time, cause like sometimes I can't get my words right so I like quote or go in and out of languages, lol. Quarky right?

Anyway, its amazing what embracing one's gender identity can do for a guy ::wink::

Last Post of 2009

Damn. Another Eventful year.

I haven't blogged worth shit. Too busy trying to find things to blog about. I will probably be all anti-linear and post things more often next year about things that happened last year. Hail the Quantum Entanglement, Reject Linear Time.


How about a Recap ?

What did I find out about myself this year ?

I'm still a virgin.

I'm an otherkin (starseed-therian polymorphic multiple).

I'm a Quantum Witch. (I view quantum mechanics/physics as a magical discipline)

And I am a Fetishist Queer Gender Fluid/PolyGendered Polyamorous Fandomsexual.

Pretty Eventful, I think.


And its like 4 am in the morning, on New Year's Eve (from Dec 30th not the new year ... if that makes sense) so if you'll excuse me, I'll go get my five hours of sleep and be back to the marvelous intertubes ...


Star out.

Discovered my Role!!!!

I've been giving it a great deal of thought about what my role is and upon this discovery, I managed to stumble upon my role. Fetishist. In particular a roleplay fetishist. Everything from Dungeons and Dragons to Harry Potter Literate/Text-based roleplays.

Part of me thinks its kind of rushed to discover this so early without having actually 'played' at a dungeon or fet party or anything, but it feels right, sounds right. And the idea of taking the role of Dom/me or sub just makes me think 'well, it depends on the character/world I'm in at the time'.

So, this may change, but for the moment, I will identify as a roleplay fetishist. That way I'm not tied down to the strict preconceptions of each role Dominant and submissive and what's expected for each. By calling myself a fetishist, it focuses on the fetish, which for me is roleplaying. and not necessarily the role and limits and all that. If that makes any sense at all.

Anyway. I'm happy. Even if I have defected and started reading Twilight, yet another world to roleplay in. It could be fun, if I can find someone to roleplay Carlisle to my fangirl non-canon character who probably fits more in the world of Trinity blood, but I want her to be in love with Carlisle even so. Just like another masochistic vampire in the series *cough* Edward *cough*

What is it about masochism that is so appealing? Maybe that will be another turn of events in my role discovery/revision ...etc.

Moving Offline *looks around for cyber boxes*

It seems I am slowly moving my life offline. As I have been online and only online for a matter of years. I will still keep my online life, I will just have a LIFE to match it, or to go along beside it, like a daemon or something bizarre and weird and hard to get used to ... >.>

I went to my first BDSM Munch last week. It was great, not weird or full of obvious creepy people. It was one of those funky visuals that you get when you aren't sure of something. That people will be like the
online weirdos you sometimes encounter.

But no, thankfully they were all funny and nice and 'normal' for lack of a better word. I am sad, really, that I have no basis for what people are like any more, I've been online for too long. Its kinda crazy to use my real name any more too. Cause I'm so used to being anonymous or having x amount of aliases. Every time you create a new account you create a new identity.

Speaking of identity, I went to an energy work shop too, last week. It was an open house by House Vespertine and their affliates. It was very fun, very insightful, opened my eyes to my identity, like what is my energetic structure, what are my energetic needs. I really think I'm closer to my awakening. Which is good, right?

My best friend is moving out of the country and I have very little friends to actually hang out with. I am really starting to crave interaction with people. My roleplay characters are active, well, active enough. I just need some reality to balance me out, and it seems to be coming to me, in all forms, slowly, even my online contact with my gf, seems to be getting less. She has issues that prevent her from coming online much and its hard to do some of the things we do online via phone and its a long distance relationship.

I feel slightly neglected but its not her fault, I'm probably just being needy, I have my book that I'm working on, so that should keep me occupied, right? And I have books, and other characters and roleplays to keep me busy. I should count my blessings and be happy. Focus my thoughts on getting more offline friends. I can see them in my head, just need to get rid of the things that are blocking me from getting it, the contradictions that keep the plant from breaking the surface of the earth.

Okay, enough rambling and updates. I will gather my notes from the energy work shop and post them on here soon. They aren't extensive, but they're still good, I think, and its a monthly thng so I will be able to post something on a regular basis.

Until Next time ...

Star Fygment.

Revelations --- Chaos Magick

Law of Attraction is practically my religion. Its the only thing that feels right, that and quantum physics, and alchemy, energy and the Hemetic Tradition: as above, so below, as within so without ....etc...Let me Tell you what I believe.

This may or may not influence whether or not my approach on energy is right for you, my readers, I may not have many followers but I know I got quite a few readers, or at least more than I do followers -grin-. Anyway, I was watching, well, rather, re-watching the Secret, and realized something. Its like the bible for me, the Secret, it allows me to see something new every time I watch it or read it. And this time I realized why my life wasn't up to speed yet. It was the quote, by Bob Proctor, "You've got to pay attention, to what you're attracted to, because as you hold images of what you want, you're going to be attracted to things and they're going to be attracted to you."

And so I asked myself, what am I attracted to. And I realized that was what was conflicting and confusing my polarity. I want this life of happiness, peace and stabilty, but really, I'm attracted to the beauty of the Melancholy, the destroyed and fallen seeking redemption, the dystopic, dismal, grim, gloomy underbelly of life, the blood that drizzles and drips from wounds from passively walking on the otherside of the Veil where people don't employ the Secret to better their life, they let their residual reality just string them along into this complacency.

So, I am going to challenge myself, this is the second Star Challenge Week I've given myself in the space of a month, but why not. The first Star Challenge Week went quite well, I'd like to think. Would have went better if I didn't procrastinate so much. But I will focus and pretend I'm in ritual 24/7. Like a 24/7 D/s relationship with the universe, kinky and sensual, just what I need. Ignoring the static of residual reality, the Shaitans of the Multiverse, whispers of thoughts, ghosts in the human machine of a brain, trying to hack into current, uncorrupted files, people trying to preach and influence other corruption into my system.

I won't listen. We won't listen. We will come out on Top and ready to rock the world.

This is a test, like Chaos Magick, you just try a bunch of stuff, different things and then you go with what works, I've found a few things that work for me sometimes, but the one thing that always works, and continues to work for me, is magick. Will. Intention. Emotion. Its Magick and it works, and I want to learn more. I want to feed this part of me. If anything, that song, 'the world is a vampire' is partly true. Everything is something that you have to feed, nurture with psychic energy. They are very literally 'seeds' and seeds grow into fruits which can be eaten by other people or beings, and not just you, which is why when you do something, do things, you invest energy and you feel drained or 'tired' at the end of the day/night ... whatever. Its why you should choose what you invest your energy in wisely, choose things that correspond on some level to your bliss, whatever that is. Find your bliss, and broaden your mind and you will change the world from the inside ... out.

xXxStars In DarknessxXx

Asexuality and Erotica?

I started writing this story, and like stories are, it became rebellious, it was supposed to be some story about virginal dominance, but then one of the characters turned out to be asexual and the other not. And I still want to write it about BDSM, but would it still be considered erotica because an asexual is involved?


Asexuals don’t do sexual things, now I have it figured out that the BDSM elements in the story are just that, BDSM without the sex, its just pain, humiliation … that kind of thing, for the aesthetic of it, so he says (the character, the asexual one), but the characters, they have a nice dynamic going on here, I think. It could prove interesting, at the very least, original.


I’m thinking of just making it a novella and then finding a way to incorporate actual photography as the ‘illustration’ for the book, and maybe read it on podio-books as a way of exposing the book … you know advertisement.


Why can’t asexuals have erotica? I don’t think I’m asexual, though I definitely have tendencies. I consider myself celibate. I’m not ready for sex. I may be of age where its okay to have sex, but I don’t want to catch anything, and I don’t want to start any family I’m not prepared for. Its just not happening. Abstinence is the best form of birth control anyway.


I try to look at people, that I find attractive and beautiful and think sexual thoughts about them and nothing happens, I mean, I try to imagine them naked and its just, not there. I’m thinking it could be a kin thing. I would need to have a primal connection with someone or some sort of metaphysical chemistry with someone before I could even think of doing something like that. I roleplay sex scenes all the time and its fun, even exciting, almost arousing, but that’s it. Its just pretend. It’s a different animal entirely when you have it face to face in YOUR reality and its you and not some character faced with the opportunity to get busy with someone.


Its one of those things that seem like a good idea, but really, its quite daunting and frightening. Even if you try to look at it with as little gravity as possible see it as a casual joining of bodies with a biochemical reaction that sometimes results in new life. Not as a strong union that expels a great amount of energy and potentially bonds two souls on a Divine and possibly eternal level, it’s the ultimate act of intimacy where you get to see yourself and another at their most vulnerable, most beautiful and most powerful all at once.


See how I think its frightening? I could probably survive being an asexual because I don’t know what I’m missing, not really, but I have a feeling that if I meet someone who I have a primal connection with, sex will inevitably happen. I can visualize that much. It will be on an unspoken level, a level of feeling only, its strange how I know how it will be, like its happened before, but just not in this lifetime. Blah. Whatever. I sound weird when I talk like that, like I’m some hoodoo, psychic person. So I try not to talk that way if I can help it. Anyway, the point of this blog was to talk about sex and asexuality, it is my first BDSM related post, hurrah. I have more ideas about BDSM topics that I will post in the future, so stay tuned, and if I feel up to it, feel brave, I may even post an excerpt of my story.