Having a Down Day ...

I'm starting to feel inadequate because I can't adequately explore my sexuality with my current living situation. I feel like this is the time when everyone is doing that, when you're supposed to, I mean its my 20s! And I'm posting in forums all night instead of going out and browsing a dungeon with friends. This all happened because of that stupid psychotic break. If it didn't happen, I'd be back on Colorado still going to munches, and the energy workshops, but not here, not now, because I can't go out at night, I'm still on the bus and Dallas is MUCH more gritty than Denver, it doesn't feel as safe, and there is NOTHING in Irving, for my demographic. Its all in Dallas or Ft.Worth or Arlington or something, I know it.

But I want to explore my sexuality. Even if I can't do it with my girlfriend of two years, because she lives in a different state, and I don't know how I'm going to get there. And neither of us wants to end up in Texas, though I have a feeling that once I start branching out and making friends here, it will be harder to leave.

I'm the kind of person that needs support, lots of people in my corner. I can't rock it alone very easy. I wonder if that's why the leopard totem came to me a couple of months ago. Well, years actually, I thought it was an otherkin side at first, but turns out its just a strong totem. But leopards are felines and felines have this solitary, independent nature. I need to learn to become more independent.

Maybe this means I learn how to drive. If I can drive, I can go out and do things, and my dad won't be as worried, he may not let me go clubbing, but I'm not really a clubbing type of person anyway, unless its a BDSM club, then I want to go. But I need friends! And the friends at my church aren't really my friends. I mean they wouldn't be if they really knew me. The trannyfag, polyamrous, kinky, wanna be ethical slut, therian starseed, no, they want like the straight acting charade I have going on.

Supposedly Seattle has a good poly community. Seattle is really close to Everett where my lovely gf lives. I wish I could just hitch-hike and move up there with her, but she's staying with her parents too, and she's still in school. So, I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed, use the law of attraction that a way will be made.

But yeah, I just had this moment of realization that I feel really inadequate as a person because I have no social outlet. I mean with my own people, trans, poly, otherkin people. I have my writing group, anime club, and the church group, but none of them 'get' me. Just my small circle of online friends ... guess in the mean time, until I develop an going offline --Dallas Edition plan, I'll expand my online friend circle. Browse fet for interesting trans people to talk to, I am soooo transamorous, if that makes me a chaser, so be it. I'm not ashamed. I mean I look at some of these transguys, and its like, yeah, I could so totally be with a transguy, I mean he would understand me, with my gender fluctuations and all... I don't know. He'd have to pass, I don't want my dad to be all dramatic or anything...

Wow, this is longer than I thought and I kinda went off on a tangent, just to say that I have no gender outlet, no place to talk about my gender squabbles in my brain, I mean I wanna be trans but I don't want to be on hormones and I don't want full top surgery, I like my long natural hair, I just wish I wasn't so endowed, I want a binder so badly! And more boxer shorts...and guy clothes, but not suits or tuxes, but ties yes! I love ties, and caps, newsboy caps, and scarves ... ugh. I'm going to shut up now ...

Star out.

gender fluidity

what do you see as your personal "gender range?" Is there a clear definition between when you feel "male" or "female" or "androgynous," "non-gendered," "blended," etc? Or are you always in a state of flux?

Its a question I ran into on fetlife, in a gender fluid group. I wanted to answer but I want to answer here first, as a way of sort of drafting my response. I want a really wordy response like everyone else for some reason. Cause it is something that crosses my mind a lot. I want to get deeply involved with the transgender and gender queer communities...

But to answer the question...

I think my gender range is kind of narrow but within that narrow range its always in flux. Its on the femme side for masculine, think an effeminate male, long hair and long nails, but its sort of non-gendered for feminine, baggy pants, baggy shirts, really nondescript not really form fitting, wife beaters notwithstanding. But its a fluid blended mix of this femme male trying to be a masculine female, if that makes sense. But I am not in anyway butch, in fact I despise the word. I identify as a femme boi, I'm a boy that wants to be a girl, and that's the simplest way for me to say it. I'm a boy that wants to be a girl. But I'm not high femme like make up and dresses, no, I like my baggy jeans and layered shirts very much thank you -smirk-

But its also so fluid that it may change as I grow into this budding gender identity and find my gender expression which is a little difficult right now, but hey, all in due time right?

So that's my answer, I had a nice tie in with my sometimes asexuality but I'm not really feeling that right now, guess that's what I get for procrastinating on writing this blog and multi-tasking, right? Lol!

So, I'm Trans ...

I have been asking myself or had this feeling in the back of my mind of 'is it okay to be a girl' and I thought something was wrong with me. Because biologically I am a girl. But, I'm a boy. Its like, all through school, I dressed 'butch' and got mistaken for a dyke, but I wasn't. I was a girl. So it was like subconsciously I knew I was male, but I didn't know how to express it cause my body didn't 'match'. Like uber dysphoria on a level that was like unexpress-able, which for me was like, non-existance.

Now, I have reached out and gotten wise words from others who have been in my place, other femme ftms, and I can hold my head high, grab my pink boa and dance, celebrating my femininity as a guy, the way I feel I should. I mean it feels so right to feel sexy and girly but at the same time, embracing my soul, my mind set as male. Male in mind. Female in Expression. Like, I don't know I'm a transvestite or something?

A Male Transvestite in a Female Body?

Maybe.

Could work.

I mean like the sound of that. Lol.

Its all thanks to my otherkin side, which I found to be just a dragon. He has many elements so that I can adopt other archetypes, but they all converge on the dragon. I like polymorphic alien though. I probably will still refer to myself as an alien. And I am still a multiple, but its like superposition. We all exist and then converge on the one. The wave and the particle.

Its kinda funny that I am like, looking at myself with new eyes, eyes of love instead of hate. I feel my wings extend and I visualize myself soaring, high in the sky, like the avian I am, its exhilarating. Who knew self-love could be as passionate as self-hate? I know its a mere shift of polarity but its like worlds ... worlds apart.

And I like the fact that I can travel back and forth as I please, all for the sake of maintaining balance. I mean everyone had dark days, right? I know for a fact that unless something drastic, like uber drastic happens that I go so dark that my inhibitions are gone, I won't actually kill myself, not in body anyway. I've done it in spirit a couple of times, and as I have more than one, (transgender = twin spirit or two spirit as you will ) it kinda explains things in retrospect, but I never really had the balls to just pull the trigger for good, deep down I knew I had too much to live for.

It must have been some sort of entanglement pre-cognition. Like I knew I had yet to feel this cause I already felt it, but because of the construct/illusion of Time, I had to wait for it. Stuck on the slow path as it were.

Another thing that embracing this has helped me with, I realize that the 'form' I rest in is something close to Mrs. Who or Mrs. Whatsit from Wrinkle in Time, cause like sometimes I can't get my words right so I like quote or go in and out of languages, lol. Quarky right?

Anyway, its amazing what embracing one's gender identity can do for a guy ::wink::