I bet its easy to come out of this closet. I mean I have a lot ... A LOT of closets. Its like one of those Russian dolls of closets. Anyway. Hello I'm Star and I'm a furry. My fursona is a leopard/jaguar demon. Its not an otherkin side exactly, its a fursona. I feel the difference between them, and unless you're both or either I'm not sure I know how to explain it properly. I mean. There is a spiritual factor to my fursona, because , come on, its me, but there is also a fictional aspect that isn't there with my otherkin sides.
My fursona is male. Surprise, surprise, and a shapeshifter, not a were, not bound to the moon. He shifts from anthro form, looking like a nekojin, and then back into full kitty form. He has red eyes and brown hair, the color of his rossettes, when he's in anthro form. I love him so much. I am currently using him in two seperate stories with two different friends, don't know if that's bad or not., I have three names that I like for him, but I think he likes one more than the other. The names are Demetrius, Naftali and Octavius. I think he likes Naftali best. So maybe we'll go with that?
Anyways, I thought I'd start posting here again since I remembered my log in info! LOL.
Lots of furry snuggles to my fellow furries out there!
Star out.
7.04.2012
11.08.2011
Spiritual Essays.
I've mentioned it before, maybe not on here, but I've contemplated writing spiritual essays. It would work out my writers muscle, and help me unify and stablize my spirituality. Help shape it, give it some flesh and bone, some meat and weight to it. I would most likely put it on my wordpress blog. But I think in the spirit of discipline and new awakenings, I should start. Not try, but do. And I don't want them to sound like sermons, more like meditations of sort. So I should avoid using words like should and such, like just be peaceful and zen about it. I wonder what the topic will be about today. I'm thinking it will be like a series of looking at the bible with new eyes of self-love, from a pagan perspective or something. That way my dad will think I'm reading my bible, and I am, but not like he is, or am I? O.o;
Anyway, just a quick blog/blurb of something else I want to do. Maybe not an everyday thing, but a regular thing. I dont know if I would want to share them with my writing group. But we'll see...
Anyway, just a quick blog/blurb of something else I want to do. Maybe not an everyday thing, but a regular thing. I dont know if I would want to share them with my writing group. But we'll see...
11.07.2011
Happy to be Bio-Female
I'm having a good day today. It started last night, when I was replying to my mentor's message on facebook, we've sort of moved from email to facebook. But anyway, she mentioned hoop dancing a while ago and I didn't really think much of it, but now, (maybe its the energy from my period) now I am obsessed with wanting to learn and master it. I also tried out yoga this morning. Yoga is soo awesome! I was sweating and my heart was racing, ten times better than using my dad's total gym machine and that old school exercise bike. I didn't even sweat when I used those. With yoga, I think I only did five minutes this time, to start off, and I can tell this is for me. That combined with hoop dancing and martial arts? Watch out, world! Here I come! I'll be sexy and confident in no time!
But This is another gender rant. I am bio-female. I was born with a vagina. And I've been denying my gender, pretending it wasnt there. Part of it was my Judeo-Christian upbringing that made me believe it was evil and wrong to do anything to embrace it, and feel sexy. I was ashamed to have a period, something as natural as that! And I attached shame to it. Well, no more! I may be gender queer or genderfluid or omnigendered, bigendered, or whatever term I feel like using, but I am still in a female body, and my female psyche has been hurt that I have been thinking so lowly of her.
I watched this Tony Robbins clip on youtube, this little mini training video thing. Well, really it was two of them. One was the Five keys to thrive and the other one was New Year New Life. And they have really changed the way I am looking at life. I took copious notes in one of my journals. And the message he had is one of the driving forces behind this change I'm undergoing.
Samhain = Celtic New Year, so technically its a new year. New Year = New Beginnings. Its time for a new Star to burst forth. I am done hating myself. DONE DONE DONE.
Star out.
But This is another gender rant. I am bio-female. I was born with a vagina. And I've been denying my gender, pretending it wasnt there. Part of it was my Judeo-Christian upbringing that made me believe it was evil and wrong to do anything to embrace it, and feel sexy. I was ashamed to have a period, something as natural as that! And I attached shame to it. Well, no more! I may be gender queer or genderfluid or omnigendered, bigendered, or whatever term I feel like using, but I am still in a female body, and my female psyche has been hurt that I have been thinking so lowly of her.
I watched this Tony Robbins clip on youtube, this little mini training video thing. Well, really it was two of them. One was the Five keys to thrive and the other one was New Year New Life. And they have really changed the way I am looking at life. I took copious notes in one of my journals. And the message he had is one of the driving forces behind this change I'm undergoing.
Samhain = Celtic New Year, so technically its a new year. New Year = New Beginnings. Its time for a new Star to burst forth. I am done hating myself. DONE DONE DONE.
Star out.
11.06.2011
I hate gender!
I hate it I hate it I hate it.
Why do we have to choose anyway?
Fuck Pronouns!
Fuck Dysphoria
Fuck Transitioning
Just fuck it all
Why do we have to choose anyway?
Fuck Pronouns!
Fuck Dysphoria
Fuck Transitioning
Just fuck it all
11.04.2011
Having a Down Day ...
I'm starting to feel inadequate because I can't adequately explore my sexuality with my current living situation. I feel like this is the time when everyone is doing that, when you're supposed to, I mean its my 20s! And I'm posting in forums all night instead of going out and browsing a dungeon with friends. This all happened because of that stupid psychotic break. If it didn't happen, I'd be back on Colorado still going to munches, and the energy workshops, but not here, not now, because I can't go out at night, I'm still on the bus and Dallas is MUCH more gritty than Denver, it doesn't feel as safe, and there is NOTHING in Irving, for my demographic. Its all in Dallas or Ft.Worth or Arlington or something, I know it.
But I want to explore my sexuality. Even if I can't do it with my girlfriend of two years, because she lives in a different state, and I don't know how I'm going to get there. And neither of us wants to end up in Texas, though I have a feeling that once I start branching out and making friends here, it will be harder to leave.
I'm the kind of person that needs support, lots of people in my corner. I can't rock it alone very easy. I wonder if that's why the leopard totem came to me a couple of months ago. Well, years actually, I thought it was an otherkin side at first, but turns out its just a strong totem. But leopards are felines and felines have this solitary, independent nature. I need to learn to become more independent.
Maybe this means I learn how to drive. If I can drive, I can go out and do things, and my dad won't be as worried, he may not let me go clubbing, but I'm not really a clubbing type of person anyway, unless its a BDSM club, then I want to go. But I need friends! And the friends at my church aren't really my friends. I mean they wouldn't be if they really knew me. The trannyfag, polyamrous, kinky, wanna be ethical slut, therian starseed, no, they want like the straight acting charade I have going on.
Supposedly Seattle has a good poly community. Seattle is really close to Everett where my lovely gf lives. I wish I could just hitch-hike and move up there with her, but she's staying with her parents too, and she's still in school. So, I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed, use the law of attraction that a way will be made.
But yeah, I just had this moment of realization that I feel really inadequate as a person because I have no social outlet. I mean with my own people, trans, poly, otherkin people. I have my writing group, anime club, and the church group, but none of them 'get' me. Just my small circle of online friends ... guess in the mean time, until I develop an going offline --Dallas Edition plan, I'll expand my online friend circle. Browse fet for interesting trans people to talk to, I am soooo transamorous, if that makes me a chaser, so be it. I'm not ashamed. I mean I look at some of these transguys, and its like, yeah, I could so totally be with a transguy, I mean he would understand me, with my gender fluctuations and all... I don't know. He'd have to pass, I don't want my dad to be all dramatic or anything...
Wow, this is longer than I thought and I kinda went off on a tangent, just to say that I have no gender outlet, no place to talk about my gender squabbles in my brain, I mean I wanna be trans but I don't want to be on hormones and I don't want full top surgery, I like my long natural hair, I just wish I wasn't so endowed, I want a binder so badly! And more boxer shorts...and guy clothes, but not suits or tuxes, but ties yes! I love ties, and caps, newsboy caps, and scarves ... ugh. I'm going to shut up now ...
Star out.
But I want to explore my sexuality. Even if I can't do it with my girlfriend of two years, because she lives in a different state, and I don't know how I'm going to get there. And neither of us wants to end up in Texas, though I have a feeling that once I start branching out and making friends here, it will be harder to leave.
I'm the kind of person that needs support, lots of people in my corner. I can't rock it alone very easy. I wonder if that's why the leopard totem came to me a couple of months ago. Well, years actually, I thought it was an otherkin side at first, but turns out its just a strong totem. But leopards are felines and felines have this solitary, independent nature. I need to learn to become more independent.
Maybe this means I learn how to drive. If I can drive, I can go out and do things, and my dad won't be as worried, he may not let me go clubbing, but I'm not really a clubbing type of person anyway, unless its a BDSM club, then I want to go. But I need friends! And the friends at my church aren't really my friends. I mean they wouldn't be if they really knew me. The trannyfag, polyamrous, kinky, wanna be ethical slut, therian starseed, no, they want like the straight acting charade I have going on.
Supposedly Seattle has a good poly community. Seattle is really close to Everett where my lovely gf lives. I wish I could just hitch-hike and move up there with her, but she's staying with her parents too, and she's still in school. So, I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed, use the law of attraction that a way will be made.
But yeah, I just had this moment of realization that I feel really inadequate as a person because I have no social outlet. I mean with my own people, trans, poly, otherkin people. I have my writing group, anime club, and the church group, but none of them 'get' me. Just my small circle of online friends ... guess in the mean time, until I develop an going offline --Dallas Edition plan, I'll expand my online friend circle. Browse fet for interesting trans people to talk to, I am soooo transamorous, if that makes me a chaser, so be it. I'm not ashamed. I mean I look at some of these transguys, and its like, yeah, I could so totally be with a transguy, I mean he would understand me, with my gender fluctuations and all... I don't know. He'd have to pass, I don't want my dad to be all dramatic or anything...
Wow, this is longer than I thought and I kinda went off on a tangent, just to say that I have no gender outlet, no place to talk about my gender squabbles in my brain, I mean I wanna be trans but I don't want to be on hormones and I don't want full top surgery, I like my long natural hair, I just wish I wasn't so endowed, I want a binder so badly! And more boxer shorts...and guy clothes, but not suits or tuxes, but ties yes! I love ties, and caps, newsboy caps, and scarves ... ugh. I'm going to shut up now ...
Star out.
9.20.2011
Now I can rest easy
So, this is a retraction of my retraction, it seems I have been duped by islamophobic propaganda. I have found these response videos to that islam vid I posted a couple of blogs ago. But here are some response videos to that video that sorta clears up everything.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_t8xW4QuN0&feature=related
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz1GeyWuC18
I can once again rest easy in finding the beauty in islam once again! I can dream about wearing a hijab and praying five times a day and such. Which makes me happy. I am still unsure if I want to learn Arabic, I'm sort of on a Japanese craze right now after having watched the Absolute Boyfriend Live Action which is getting me into jdramas.
I am still trying to watch Hana-Kimi live action, both of them have the very yummy eye candy Hiro Mizushima in them so it makes it fun to watch. There are significantly more eye candy in Hana-Kimi since its story line is set in a school for attractive young boys. I may try to read the manga afterward, since I think Hana-Kimi is a live action too, I'm not sure. But some small updates in my case other than watching jdramas all day. I have the busiest week of my life next week. I have an interview with Sonic at four pm on Tuesday, Library Volunteer Wednesday, then my DARS appointment on Thursday, oh not to mention Writing club on Monday. I just hope I can survive it. That's two unfamiliar bus trips in one week! One of them I have to try to take a new bus, but I'm going to ask my dad about the location of Sonic cause I think its the same one I'm thinking of, cause the DART guy I called said it was on Walnut Hill but the lady who called me for the interview said it was on the highway, and it is by the highway, I'm just, I don't know, I want to be sure. It is a job interview. I am kinda worried though. Cause the volunteer coordinator at the library said it was possible that the part time job openings might be unfrozen in October, and if I get a job at Sonic, then ... I don't know.
I mean I thought the same thing when I interviewed for Blockbuster and something went wrong, so who knows maybe something will go wrong for this Sonic interview too and I can still be in the running for the library job. But I don't know, how can I mess up an interview for Sonic, that's like made for first time job applyers, right? They are used to teenagers and such working for them, so the fact that I am on the bus shouldn't be too unusual, even though most teenagers can drive. Maybe its time I learn to drive, just for the sake of my independence? I mean Daddy said he would get me a car if I learned how to drive. I should take the offer while its still on the table. Its really annoying that thoughts of my independence is linked with these morbid thoughts of death and abandonment. I don't know why but it is. I wish the thoughts would go away. Maybe they will one day. But back to the job front. I have been waking up thinking, just yesterday and today, thinking about my ideal guy, and when I applied for jobs yesterday, which Sonic was one of them, I remember thinking to myself that I'm doing this for him. I really want my poly family and to get out of Texas and to be happy and free from the worry of losing my parents and not being able to take care of myself. I'm my dad's only child, and my mom has two other daughters, so she should be fine, but I'm all my dad's got, so I feel like I have to sorta be there for him, so he won't be completely alone.
But when I'm around him, I feel null, like I'm not able to be completely myself or something, not like how I felt when I was at Mommy's in Colorado. She had me doing things myself because really I had no choice. She didn't offer to take me places or anything like that because her car didn't usually work, and she was trying to be on call for a job or something. I don't know. I pray that I never have to go through that. I want there to always be someone around to take care of me. Does that seem childish? But I want a job that if I get a chance to move, it won't hurt me emotionally to leave the job, and if i get the job at Sonic, I won't get that invested and want to keep the job for years and years because its like my dream day job or something like that. Working at the library is like a dream day job, I can work a few hours every day and then go home to work on my book and spend time with friends and such. But I don't know if I want that in Texas, cause eventually I want to go back to Colorado, or Washington and eventually, Toronto or maybe London, or Boston, or maybe even Maine. So I don't know there's that, and besides, it seems like the application process for the library might be complicated or even embarrassing like I'd have to do it in person or something!! D:
So hopefully I get to find out my psych evaluation results next week, find out my IQ and all that good stuff, I won't have my job log finished but hopefully I won't get into too much trouble for that -bites nails- I started late cause I wasn't sure I was going to continue with the program, but I want to at least find out my IQ and the results of my evaluation so I'll go through with it just to see that at least, and if they kick me out because I didn't fill out my job log, so be it. I can just fill out the job log on my own time and job search on my own. It has helped, I'll admit to that much. But yeah, I wanted to make a retraction of that Islam thing, so I don't seem like an Islamophobe, spreading propaganda or anything like that. I don't want to be some sort of bigot or anything like that. So I wanted to clear that up.
Enough rambling from me, until next time, Star out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_t8xW4QuN0&feature=related
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz1GeyWuC18
I can once again rest easy in finding the beauty in islam once again! I can dream about wearing a hijab and praying five times a day and such. Which makes me happy. I am still unsure if I want to learn Arabic, I'm sort of on a Japanese craze right now after having watched the Absolute Boyfriend Live Action which is getting me into jdramas.
I am still trying to watch Hana-Kimi live action, both of them have the very yummy eye candy Hiro Mizushima in them so it makes it fun to watch. There are significantly more eye candy in Hana-Kimi since its story line is set in a school for attractive young boys. I may try to read the manga afterward, since I think Hana-Kimi is a live action too, I'm not sure. But some small updates in my case other than watching jdramas all day. I have the busiest week of my life next week. I have an interview with Sonic at four pm on Tuesday, Library Volunteer Wednesday, then my DARS appointment on Thursday, oh not to mention Writing club on Monday. I just hope I can survive it. That's two unfamiliar bus trips in one week! One of them I have to try to take a new bus, but I'm going to ask my dad about the location of Sonic cause I think its the same one I'm thinking of, cause the DART guy I called said it was on Walnut Hill but the lady who called me for the interview said it was on the highway, and it is by the highway, I'm just, I don't know, I want to be sure. It is a job interview. I am kinda worried though. Cause the volunteer coordinator at the library said it was possible that the part time job openings might be unfrozen in October, and if I get a job at Sonic, then ... I don't know.
I mean I thought the same thing when I interviewed for Blockbuster and something went wrong, so who knows maybe something will go wrong for this Sonic interview too and I can still be in the running for the library job. But I don't know, how can I mess up an interview for Sonic, that's like made for first time job applyers, right? They are used to teenagers and such working for them, so the fact that I am on the bus shouldn't be too unusual, even though most teenagers can drive. Maybe its time I learn to drive, just for the sake of my independence? I mean Daddy said he would get me a car if I learned how to drive. I should take the offer while its still on the table. Its really annoying that thoughts of my independence is linked with these morbid thoughts of death and abandonment. I don't know why but it is. I wish the thoughts would go away. Maybe they will one day. But back to the job front. I have been waking up thinking, just yesterday and today, thinking about my ideal guy, and when I applied for jobs yesterday, which Sonic was one of them, I remember thinking to myself that I'm doing this for him. I really want my poly family and to get out of Texas and to be happy and free from the worry of losing my parents and not being able to take care of myself. I'm my dad's only child, and my mom has two other daughters, so she should be fine, but I'm all my dad's got, so I feel like I have to sorta be there for him, so he won't be completely alone.
But when I'm around him, I feel null, like I'm not able to be completely myself or something, not like how I felt when I was at Mommy's in Colorado. She had me doing things myself because really I had no choice. She didn't offer to take me places or anything like that because her car didn't usually work, and she was trying to be on call for a job or something. I don't know. I pray that I never have to go through that. I want there to always be someone around to take care of me. Does that seem childish? But I want a job that if I get a chance to move, it won't hurt me emotionally to leave the job, and if i get the job at Sonic, I won't get that invested and want to keep the job for years and years because its like my dream day job or something like that. Working at the library is like a dream day job, I can work a few hours every day and then go home to work on my book and spend time with friends and such. But I don't know if I want that in Texas, cause eventually I want to go back to Colorado, or Washington and eventually, Toronto or maybe London, or Boston, or maybe even Maine. So I don't know there's that, and besides, it seems like the application process for the library might be complicated or even embarrassing like I'd have to do it in person or something!! D:
So hopefully I get to find out my psych evaluation results next week, find out my IQ and all that good stuff, I won't have my job log finished but hopefully I won't get into too much trouble for that -bites nails- I started late cause I wasn't sure I was going to continue with the program, but I want to at least find out my IQ and the results of my evaluation so I'll go through with it just to see that at least, and if they kick me out because I didn't fill out my job log, so be it. I can just fill out the job log on my own time and job search on my own. It has helped, I'll admit to that much. But yeah, I wanted to make a retraction of that Islam thing, so I don't seem like an Islamophobe, spreading propaganda or anything like that. I don't want to be some sort of bigot or anything like that. So I wanted to clear that up.
Enough rambling from me, until next time, Star out.
8.22.2011
Need to Feel Alive...
Everything feels so obsolete right now. Like it doesn't matter. Religion. Science. Magic. Stories. None of it, feels worth anything. Right now, the only thing that feels like it has any substance is experience. And its the one thing that I don't have and don't know how to get because I'm too scared. I feel so boring, as if I'm not real. I've been studying all these deep topics but I'm not grounded in anything, no experience to draw from for my story its all fiction, there is no resevoir of experience, of truth of fact of substance, to flesh out my story. Its all fake, and fake is worthless. I mean I could go all fantastical and write about dragons adn faeries, research the mythology and such, but it would just be an escape for the mind.
Its like in college, one of the best nights of my life, I hung out with two middle eastern guys, we played games and then we played frisbee in the rain outside the dorm. I felt so alive in that moment, I had stepped out of my little hole, came out of my dorm and socialized with people, I engaged in life, and I miss that. I miss people my own age to talk to, that aren't associated with this image of how I'm supposed to be, this christian facade that doesn't fit me any more, that makes me feel dead inside, like I'm without a soul because I'm so wrong for believing in more than one holy book. For seeing the divine in humanity instead of some outside force that we've created for ourselves to cope and understand the world.
I just came back from writing club, that's probably what's got me depressed. People are writing these stories about their lives, how they've backpacked from Austria to South Africa and been on a barge that was gross and disgusting but was as large as a village, or how they went to teach English to some remote town in Mexico, or how they have this Jerry Springer-esque family involved with drugs and setting fires, and being married or divorced with actual people they've met in the flesh, no distance, true intimacy, face to face, eye contact, skin contact, hugs and punches, the good and the bad. And I sat there and listened to their stories and listened to the detail and how vivid it chronicled their lives and I felt soo, left out. What have I done?
I've dropped out of college because I couldn't pay for it where my grades dropped because I got side tracked with the internet, the two friends I had sorta abandoned me for their relationships with boys, and there I was without anyone to love me. So I retreated into the online world or roleplaying and started making friends with my online friends, creating elaborate characters I could live through and fall in love and have sex, and go on adventures. And it was through this that I found out about the otherkin community, found my current girlfriend of two years, and found my writer's voice. Then I have this psychotic break and have to find it again. My muse seems so much quieter than it used to be. I am thinking a sigil might change that. I have yet to make it though.
But I have never fell in love with an actual person in my local in real life, in the flesh, I have never had sex in real life, I have never french kissed anyone in real life. I have been on one date, two if you count the movie date I did with my gf, but still. Everything is online with me, I'm still retreated into that world, and not engaged in life. And being here with my dad in a state I don't particularly like isn't helping much. I have to hide who I am with my dad cause he'll never accept a bisexual polyamorous chaos mage as his daughter, he wants a straight monogamous messianic as a daughter and I've sort of grown out of that. And I'm not going back. I'm pretending right now and that's hard enough. I have my gf and my mentor, Zee, but they are still so far away, I wonder if I'll ever meet them in real life, hug them, laugh with them, eat a meal with them. Anything to make them feel more real and less of a figment of my imagination.
But yeah, I don't mean to go all autobiographical but I'm just depressed that I feel I haven't done anything worth writing about. A writer friend on facebook said that good writing is based in pain. I think I'm afraid to dig into the pain that I have that I've blocked the memories out, shrunk them down to minimalist details that are easier to bare,. Not that I've been abused or anything, more manipulated in a way, and emotionally pushed around. I don't want to paint myself as a victim anyway, if Zee were reading this, she'd tell me to stop complaining and just do something about it, instead of waiting around waiting for somehthing to happen to you, go out and make it happen yourself. Easy words, hard to do. Especially if your mind keeps coming up with excuses ...
Okay, enough rambling from me.
Star out.
Its like in college, one of the best nights of my life, I hung out with two middle eastern guys, we played games and then we played frisbee in the rain outside the dorm. I felt so alive in that moment, I had stepped out of my little hole, came out of my dorm and socialized with people, I engaged in life, and I miss that. I miss people my own age to talk to, that aren't associated with this image of how I'm supposed to be, this christian facade that doesn't fit me any more, that makes me feel dead inside, like I'm without a soul because I'm so wrong for believing in more than one holy book. For seeing the divine in humanity instead of some outside force that we've created for ourselves to cope and understand the world.
I just came back from writing club, that's probably what's got me depressed. People are writing these stories about their lives, how they've backpacked from Austria to South Africa and been on a barge that was gross and disgusting but was as large as a village, or how they went to teach English to some remote town in Mexico, or how they have this Jerry Springer-esque family involved with drugs and setting fires, and being married or divorced with actual people they've met in the flesh, no distance, true intimacy, face to face, eye contact, skin contact, hugs and punches, the good and the bad. And I sat there and listened to their stories and listened to the detail and how vivid it chronicled their lives and I felt soo, left out. What have I done?
I've dropped out of college because I couldn't pay for it where my grades dropped because I got side tracked with the internet, the two friends I had sorta abandoned me for their relationships with boys, and there I was without anyone to love me. So I retreated into the online world or roleplaying and started making friends with my online friends, creating elaborate characters I could live through and fall in love and have sex, and go on adventures. And it was through this that I found out about the otherkin community, found my current girlfriend of two years, and found my writer's voice. Then I have this psychotic break and have to find it again. My muse seems so much quieter than it used to be. I am thinking a sigil might change that. I have yet to make it though.
But I have never fell in love with an actual person in my local in real life, in the flesh, I have never had sex in real life, I have never french kissed anyone in real life. I have been on one date, two if you count the movie date I did with my gf, but still. Everything is online with me, I'm still retreated into that world, and not engaged in life. And being here with my dad in a state I don't particularly like isn't helping much. I have to hide who I am with my dad cause he'll never accept a bisexual polyamorous chaos mage as his daughter, he wants a straight monogamous messianic as a daughter and I've sort of grown out of that. And I'm not going back. I'm pretending right now and that's hard enough. I have my gf and my mentor, Zee, but they are still so far away, I wonder if I'll ever meet them in real life, hug them, laugh with them, eat a meal with them. Anything to make them feel more real and less of a figment of my imagination.
But yeah, I don't mean to go all autobiographical but I'm just depressed that I feel I haven't done anything worth writing about. A writer friend on facebook said that good writing is based in pain. I think I'm afraid to dig into the pain that I have that I've blocked the memories out, shrunk them down to minimalist details that are easier to bare,. Not that I've been abused or anything, more manipulated in a way, and emotionally pushed around. I don't want to paint myself as a victim anyway, if Zee were reading this, she'd tell me to stop complaining and just do something about it, instead of waiting around waiting for somehthing to happen to you, go out and make it happen yourself. Easy words, hard to do. Especially if your mind keeps coming up with excuses ...
Okay, enough rambling from me.
Star out.
8.19.2011
The Business of Platforms
Okay, so I had a nice long IM chat with my mentor not too long ago and she mentioned something called a platform. Now, I had only heard of these in regards to politicians, and of course like a gaming platform, I had no idea that authors needed one. It turns out its a kind of self-marketing. Which I have done none of. Like at all. In fact I haven't even decided on a name yet. I just know that I don't want to use my real name, not all of it anyway. Because what I write and who I am on paper is so vastly different than who I have to be in real life to please my parents, mostly my dad. People have this image of me and who they want me to be, expect me to be, and I know I'm breaking it, shattering it even in my writing. But writing is power and writing is freedom, I can't pretend on paper without sounding miserable and sarcastic. And who wants that?
But back to the point. I need a platform. You can start via networking sites like facebook, twitter and myspace and even have a blog for your platform. I just want to do it seperately from my personal blogs and such, just as a precaution, which probably means I'll be starting another blog here pretty soon, I was thinking I might try word press, but I'm not sure. Maybe I need to fool around and give blogger a shot. I also need an email that is just for my pen name and my platform and all that. I thought I had one, and maybe I do,but I feel like I have to get all new stuff now, and take it seriously, but it feels like I have too many online names and such and accounts and all that, that starting over now feels like, weird.Like I should take one of my existing accounts and convert it for my platform. I mean its not like its going to get much traffic until I have some writing to share and then publish and start doing guest blog interviews for promotion of my books and such.
Maybe ... maybe, I can start up a platform for my publishing/indie film/literary magazine business and then once I have a name for myself that way then I can start publishing books, its a platform and it doesn't require me having written anything to show off and gather readers yet, now does it? I don't know, I'm gonna bring up the topic at my next writing club meeting, see what they know and have to say about it...
That's all for now, this will remain my personal blog, mostly because of the typo in the url, and I just need a personal blog, so there :P
Star over and out.
But back to the point. I need a platform. You can start via networking sites like facebook, twitter and myspace and even have a blog for your platform. I just want to do it seperately from my personal blogs and such, just as a precaution, which probably means I'll be starting another blog here pretty soon, I was thinking I might try word press, but I'm not sure. Maybe I need to fool around and give blogger a shot. I also need an email that is just for my pen name and my platform and all that. I thought I had one, and maybe I do,but I feel like I have to get all new stuff now, and take it seriously, but it feels like I have too many online names and such and accounts and all that, that starting over now feels like, weird.Like I should take one of my existing accounts and convert it for my platform. I mean its not like its going to get much traffic until I have some writing to share and then publish and start doing guest blog interviews for promotion of my books and such.
Maybe ... maybe, I can start up a platform for my publishing/indie film/literary magazine business and then once I have a name for myself that way then I can start publishing books, its a platform and it doesn't require me having written anything to show off and gather readers yet, now does it? I don't know, I'm gonna bring up the topic at my next writing club meeting, see what they know and have to say about it...
That's all for now, this will remain my personal blog, mostly because of the typo in the url, and I just need a personal blog, so there :P
Star over and out.
7.30.2011
Retraction? Or a healthy dose of knowledge and fear?
So in my research about Islam, I just watched this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ib9rofXQl6w
And here's what it said in its info box. Just in case it gets deleted from youtube.
Three surprising things you probably didn't know about Islam.
This subject WILL affect you in the near future, so take the chance to inform yourself now - before it does.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO MIRROR THIS VIDEO!
Please support this video by rating, commenting and adding to your favorites!
Parts of the text have been strongly inspired by the website
http://www.citizenwarrior.com
Sources for ALL points:
http://www.bloggersbase.com/politics-and-opinions/3-islam/
and here:
http://newstime.co.nz/three-things-about-islam.html
Qu'ran online: http://quran.com/9/29
Abrogations: http://www.muhammadanism.org/Quran/abrogation_koran.pdf
Sharia: http://www.politicalislam.com/pdf/WebSitePDF/ShariaNonMuslim.pdf
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uM4ODjVMc2s
Taqiyya:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH9144yGEvw&feature=player_embedded#at=253
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taqiyya
http://www.thereligionofpeace.com/Quran/011-taqiyya.htm
Now I'm scared. I don't wanna be a muslim any more. Its worse than Christianity! I should just be content with being an agnostic pagan cause at least there's compassion, and there isn't any violence. Maybe I'm not as much of a klingon as I used to be, but I try to avoid violence. Especially over social things like adultery and homosexuality. Why must religions govern how our love lives should be? Its awfully presumptious and pretentious of them. I don't think god cares how we love as long as we love, (with the exception of pedophilia, that's just plain wrong). I mean wow, I watched that and its a complete reverse of my polarity, a complete turn around of opinion.
Its amazing what a little knowledge will do. Even if its conspiracy, that link, even if its not true, and its just some anti-islam bigot lashing out, though I don't think it is, there has to be some truth to it, right? Does this make me a racist against muslims now because I'm afraid? I hope not. But then again no one's perfect, right? I don't know, its a lot to take in, I should look into those other sites in the info box too, but yeah its weird, a few minutes ago, I was all gung-ho about wearing a hijab, being assumed to be muslim in public during the day when my dad was at work and now, now, now I'm borderline agnostic pride, like Agnostic Power! I mean how can we know anyway? If there is a god and what this god wants from us, all the 'prophets' could be false, just humans spouting ideas that become memes that become culture that become something people feel its worth dying for.
This is all going in my book, I swear it is! As my book is all about my spirituality and my theology and such. Man, this is amazing, truly, truly amazing. I can see it now, my book is going to be banned in certain countries, just watch ...
And here's what it said in its info box. Just in case it gets deleted from youtube.
Three surprising things you probably didn't know about Islam.
This subject WILL affect you in the near future, so take the chance to inform yourself now - before it does.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO MIRROR THIS VIDEO!
Please support this video by rating, commenting and adding to your favorites!
Parts of the text have been strongly inspired by the website
http://www.citizenwarrior.com
Sources for ALL points:
http://www.bloggersbase.com/politics-and-opinions/3-islam/
and here:
http://newstime.co.nz/three-things-about-islam.html
Qu'ran online: http://quran.com/9/29
Abrogations: http://www.muhammadanism.org/Quran/abrogation_koran.pdf
Sharia: http://www.politicalislam.com/pdf/WebSitePDF/ShariaNonMuslim.pdf
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uM4ODjVMc2s
Taqiyya:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH9144yGEvw&feature=player_embedded#at=253
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taqiyya
http://www.thereligionofpeace.com/Quran/011-taqiyya.htm
Now I'm scared. I don't wanna be a muslim any more. Its worse than Christianity! I should just be content with being an agnostic pagan cause at least there's compassion, and there isn't any violence. Maybe I'm not as much of a klingon as I used to be, but I try to avoid violence. Especially over social things like adultery and homosexuality. Why must religions govern how our love lives should be? Its awfully presumptious and pretentious of them. I don't think god cares how we love as long as we love, (with the exception of pedophilia, that's just plain wrong). I mean wow, I watched that and its a complete reverse of my polarity, a complete turn around of opinion.
Its amazing what a little knowledge will do. Even if its conspiracy, that link, even if its not true, and its just some anti-islam bigot lashing out, though I don't think it is, there has to be some truth to it, right? Does this make me a racist against muslims now because I'm afraid? I hope not. But then again no one's perfect, right? I don't know, its a lot to take in, I should look into those other sites in the info box too, but yeah its weird, a few minutes ago, I was all gung-ho about wearing a hijab, being assumed to be muslim in public during the day when my dad was at work and now, now, now I'm borderline agnostic pride, like Agnostic Power! I mean how can we know anyway? If there is a god and what this god wants from us, all the 'prophets' could be false, just humans spouting ideas that become memes that become culture that become something people feel its worth dying for.
This is all going in my book, I swear it is! As my book is all about my spirituality and my theology and such. Man, this is amazing, truly, truly amazing. I can see it now, my book is going to be banned in certain countries, just watch ...
Muslim Dreams ....
I've been having muslim dreams lately, dreams that have women in hijabs and the like in them. I'm thinking I might incorporate some Islam in my path. I like their idea of female modesty, I LOVE hijabs, and I also like the idea of praying five times a day. It gives you focus on the Divine, instead of only praying when you want or need something, it cultivates a relationship. Its beautiful to think about, don't you think?
And they don't have the concept of 'tithes to god' they have alms for charity, its much more realistic. I don't know if they have sermons or not, I mean there is an Imam, a leader but I'm not sure if there is like a lesson of guidance which I think sermons are. I don't think they do have them. I know there is still a degree of misogyny and patriarchy but I am hopelessly drawn to the faith. Its so similiar yet so different than Christianity and Judiasm. I am going to research it and find out more. The only thing I'm worried about is the thing called 'mercy killings', and their disregard for infidels, which may be stereotypes from American Television, but I am genuinely curious, and with my leanings toward paradigm piracy, I might not be interested in Islam forever. It might be a phase or whatever. I might be a muslim for x amount of time and then grow out of it and go back to being an agnostic pagan.
Maybe a full conversion isn't necessary. Maybe I can just adopt the pillars and principles that I like from Islam and still be what I am, an agnostic pagan unitarian universalist. And if people assume that I'm muslim then its on them, right? There is the fear though, that people will assume that I'm muslim and think I'm a terrorist because of all the hooplah of 9/11. And my dad always comments when I go out wearing a head scarf. I have big enough ones to make a hijab if I wanted. But I don't want to hear his judgement. I suppose I could go to the library and volunteer, which is during the day, wearing my hijab? I don't know.
Its just been on my mind lately. The idea of being a muslim sounds beautiful to me. Muslim, even the world just makes me smile and feel beautiful on the inside. But I think right now I'm just going to research it, read up on it, google it, find some muslims to talk to about it, maybe find a yahoo group or e-pal to talk to? I don't know. I do have some facebook friends that are Muslim that I could try talking to. Also I should read the Qur'an as well. I wonder if it would be a more interesting read than the bible? >.>
But yeah, I definitely think that Islam is going to be mixed into my own personal path. Just gotta research it more ...
And they don't have the concept of 'tithes to god' they have alms for charity, its much more realistic. I don't know if they have sermons or not, I mean there is an Imam, a leader but I'm not sure if there is like a lesson of guidance which I think sermons are. I don't think they do have them. I know there is still a degree of misogyny and patriarchy but I am hopelessly drawn to the faith. Its so similiar yet so different than Christianity and Judiasm. I am going to research it and find out more. The only thing I'm worried about is the thing called 'mercy killings', and their disregard for infidels, which may be stereotypes from American Television, but I am genuinely curious, and with my leanings toward paradigm piracy, I might not be interested in Islam forever. It might be a phase or whatever. I might be a muslim for x amount of time and then grow out of it and go back to being an agnostic pagan.
Maybe a full conversion isn't necessary. Maybe I can just adopt the pillars and principles that I like from Islam and still be what I am, an agnostic pagan unitarian universalist. And if people assume that I'm muslim then its on them, right? There is the fear though, that people will assume that I'm muslim and think I'm a terrorist because of all the hooplah of 9/11. And my dad always comments when I go out wearing a head scarf. I have big enough ones to make a hijab if I wanted. But I don't want to hear his judgement. I suppose I could go to the library and volunteer, which is during the day, wearing my hijab? I don't know.
Its just been on my mind lately. The idea of being a muslim sounds beautiful to me. Muslim, even the world just makes me smile and feel beautiful on the inside. But I think right now I'm just going to research it, read up on it, google it, find some muslims to talk to about it, maybe find a yahoo group or e-pal to talk to? I don't know. I do have some facebook friends that are Muslim that I could try talking to. Also I should read the Qur'an as well. I wonder if it would be a more interesting read than the bible? >.>
But yeah, I definitely think that Islam is going to be mixed into my own personal path. Just gotta research it more ...
7.28.2011
Thursday Thirteen No. 2
Since my Live Journal is being stupid, I'm doing my Second Thursday Thirteen on here to see if it works the same or not, but yeah, here goes:
For this Thursday Thirteen, I'm going to go with my top fandoms, the fandoms as of now that I can't do without.
1. Harry Potter, this series started it all, my intro to play by post/text roleplaying and such, which helps me drastically with my writing, I like to think, helps me become a better creator.
2. Anita Blake Vampire Hunter, this series introduced me to BDSM and Polyamory, which I'm finding are a big part of who I am. That and I'm in love with Nathaniel and Micah, I needs to find me my own Nimir-Raj and Pomme de Sang/Leopard to Call heehee
3. Merry Gentry, because I love Laurell K. Hamilton as a writer, and this is her other series that I like to read, and this one I actually read in order lol
4. Ouran High School Host Club, this series got me into yaoi and shounen-ai. Even its only hinted at loudly in this series, its kinda a harem comedy mostly, but I love reverse harems they make my inner fangirl very happy.
5. Supernatural, I'm a Sam-Girl but don't mind Dean's witty comments, and such, and I absolutely love Dean/Castiel, but Cas before the end of Season 6. I don't like how they ended the season but I won't give any spoilers.
6. Star Trek Voyager, this spin off more than all the others caters to my daydream fantasy life, when it comes to fanfiction ideas, mostly because they are out in unknown space and you have more free reign there, plus having a female captain is nice ^_^
7. His Dark Materials. It started with the movie, but then I read the books, I wish they had made movies of the other two books, it would have been awesome to see how they would have come up with some of the effects and such. Plus, ever since then I have always wondered what life would be like if we all had daemons outside our bodies.
8. Dresden Files, I love Dresden, and Lasciel, and Thomas -drool- I love that there are psychic vampires as opposed to just undead blood drinkers. I think there needs to be more psychic vampires in fiction, I plan to put them in my own stories as well.
9. Strange Days at Blake Holesy High. I used to love this show when it came on Discovery Kids on ABC on Saturdays, I am looking for it on DVD and haven't been able to find it anywhere, its a little known show that has strong memories in my life. And it ended well too.
10. 7th Sea. This was my first tabletop rpg world, and I love it. It has Swashbuckling and Magic/Sorcery, its Amazing. Even if there is no Africa or Americas in their world, I still love it and would love to find all their books so I could run my own game on Myth-Weavers lol.
11. Tanya Huff's Blood Series, I love Henry Fitzroy, even though I haven't read all the books, I have seen all the episodes of the short lived Lifetime Series. I loved her mythos on werewolves and pack life. It really spoke to me.
12. Doctor Who/Torchwood, yes I'm combining these two because they are closely linked to me, And I can only do thirteen for this meme, so yeah, The Doctor and Captain Jack Harkness have my heart! I dream that the TARDIS will land outside my window and the Doctor will whisk me away in his magical machine and show me the wonders of the universe.
13. Mona Lisa Series by Sunny. I'm just now getting into this series, its so sensual, I love it, she kinda reminds me of Anita, but there are ways where they are drastically different. In fact I think the only thing they have in common is that they are not quite human and are sleeping with more than one man, come to think of it, the world could do with more heroines like that lol ^_^
For this Thursday Thirteen, I'm going to go with my top fandoms, the fandoms as of now that I can't do without.
1. Harry Potter, this series started it all, my intro to play by post/text roleplaying and such, which helps me drastically with my writing, I like to think, helps me become a better creator.
2. Anita Blake Vampire Hunter, this series introduced me to BDSM and Polyamory, which I'm finding are a big part of who I am. That and I'm in love with Nathaniel and Micah, I needs to find me my own Nimir-Raj and Pomme de Sang/Leopard to Call heehee
3. Merry Gentry, because I love Laurell K. Hamilton as a writer, and this is her other series that I like to read, and this one I actually read in order lol
4. Ouran High School Host Club, this series got me into yaoi and shounen-ai. Even its only hinted at loudly in this series, its kinda a harem comedy mostly, but I love reverse harems they make my inner fangirl very happy.
5. Supernatural, I'm a Sam-Girl but don't mind Dean's witty comments, and such, and I absolutely love Dean/Castiel, but Cas before the end of Season 6. I don't like how they ended the season but I won't give any spoilers.
6. Star Trek Voyager, this spin off more than all the others caters to my daydream fantasy life, when it comes to fanfiction ideas, mostly because they are out in unknown space and you have more free reign there, plus having a female captain is nice ^_^
7. His Dark Materials. It started with the movie, but then I read the books, I wish they had made movies of the other two books, it would have been awesome to see how they would have come up with some of the effects and such. Plus, ever since then I have always wondered what life would be like if we all had daemons outside our bodies.
8. Dresden Files, I love Dresden, and Lasciel, and Thomas -drool- I love that there are psychic vampires as opposed to just undead blood drinkers. I think there needs to be more psychic vampires in fiction, I plan to put them in my own stories as well.
9. Strange Days at Blake Holesy High. I used to love this show when it came on Discovery Kids on ABC on Saturdays, I am looking for it on DVD and haven't been able to find it anywhere, its a little known show that has strong memories in my life. And it ended well too.
10. 7th Sea. This was my first tabletop rpg world, and I love it. It has Swashbuckling and Magic/Sorcery, its Amazing. Even if there is no Africa or Americas in their world, I still love it and would love to find all their books so I could run my own game on Myth-Weavers lol.
11. Tanya Huff's Blood Series, I love Henry Fitzroy, even though I haven't read all the books, I have seen all the episodes of the short lived Lifetime Series. I loved her mythos on werewolves and pack life. It really spoke to me.
12. Doctor Who/Torchwood, yes I'm combining these two because they are closely linked to me, And I can only do thirteen for this meme, so yeah, The Doctor and Captain Jack Harkness have my heart! I dream that the TARDIS will land outside my window and the Doctor will whisk me away in his magical machine and show me the wonders of the universe.
13. Mona Lisa Series by Sunny. I'm just now getting into this series, its so sensual, I love it, she kinda reminds me of Anita, but there are ways where they are drastically different. In fact I think the only thing they have in common is that they are not quite human and are sleeping with more than one man, come to think of it, the world could do with more heroines like that lol ^_^
6.14.2011
Paradigm Piracy and Chaos Magic
So I've been researching. In fact I was researching this very thing since the day of my 23rd birthday. Chaos Magic, where belief is a tool, and you can hop from system to system of religions and take what works for you and build your own system of belief. Paradigm Piracy. Its easy to convert to religions but not as easy to stay. It fits me to a T. Just like Unitarian Universalism. I can be a paradigm pirate and a chaos mage (chaote) and be a UU too! So I've found my path. As much as I try to run away from it, the more it calls me. Like being a writer some days, even though I'm not writing every day, I'm trying to, but all I do is wind up researching. And its the same with practicing magic. I don't practice, I research and study. Recently I'm looking into mantras and sound waves, how energy is everything and everything vibrates, as per the universal laws of Hermetic Tradition, so creating, any form of creation is magic, cause you're using your energy to affect the larger energy field. I'm not sure if that segways and links together to makes sense, from mantras and sound waves to everything being magic, but yeah, I don't know the missing link to link it better. So there we go.
I am uncertain if I'm going to keep thinking of myself as a quantum witch. I mean I think on some level I might, but right now, agnostic pagan fits me. As I think gods were made up by man, and pantheons are just like man's attempt to explain the great Cosmic IT to suit their own lives. At some point, on some level, its almost like gods are thoughtforms, astral entities that were created a long time ago and just sustained through the energy of worship and sacrifice from back in the day when people made sacrifices to their gods. But yeah, I'm not so sure as I know so little about thoughtforms. But it does make a good idea for a story, maybe one day I'll write it, it will be all very Matrix-y lol.
I'm keeping a book of shadows that I need to update, but it will chronicle my progress and what works and what doesn't. Right now I'm researching Hermetic Laws, Celestine Prophecy Insights, (I saw the movie and need to read the book), Mantras, Sigils, Sound Waves, Quantum Physics ( I don't think I'll ever stop researching that lol), And of course Chaos Magick, what people have written about it, witchcraft ( though I have to be careful about it, I don't want to attract a lot of black birds and make my dad suspicious, as he said that black birds are a sign of witchcraft), oh and of course unitarian universalism, and other stuff but those are the main things.
I think I'm really attracted to the whole no-rules type of religion, or rather make your own rules religion, no dogma, no creed, just basically carve your own way, not follow the beaten path. So yeah, Chaos Magick, Paradigm Piracy, Unitarian Universalism is for me. I have found my path! Huzzah! I've also talked with a few people about my path online,and they've had some good things to say, need to find a yahoo group or something maybe. But one step at a time. And all in secret. I'm still very much in the broom closet, as far as my dad is concerned. My mom knows, but she's more understanding, and at least she's open about her fear about it, where my dad is just like no its wrong, avoid it, shun it, destroy it blah blah blah. I'm more explore it, research it, embrace it as part of the whole of everything, cause without it the other can't exist. Withouth 'evil' good can't exist, we all need everything to exist as a whole. The great Cosmic IT. The ALL, That Which Is. The Divine Creatrix. Matter and Anti-Matter....
So yeah that's my blog update for now, ttyl
Star out.
I am uncertain if I'm going to keep thinking of myself as a quantum witch. I mean I think on some level I might, but right now, agnostic pagan fits me. As I think gods were made up by man, and pantheons are just like man's attempt to explain the great Cosmic IT to suit their own lives. At some point, on some level, its almost like gods are thoughtforms, astral entities that were created a long time ago and just sustained through the energy of worship and sacrifice from back in the day when people made sacrifices to their gods. But yeah, I'm not so sure as I know so little about thoughtforms. But it does make a good idea for a story, maybe one day I'll write it, it will be all very Matrix-y lol.
I'm keeping a book of shadows that I need to update, but it will chronicle my progress and what works and what doesn't. Right now I'm researching Hermetic Laws, Celestine Prophecy Insights, (I saw the movie and need to read the book), Mantras, Sigils, Sound Waves, Quantum Physics ( I don't think I'll ever stop researching that lol), And of course Chaos Magick, what people have written about it, witchcraft ( though I have to be careful about it, I don't want to attract a lot of black birds and make my dad suspicious, as he said that black birds are a sign of witchcraft), oh and of course unitarian universalism, and other stuff but those are the main things.
I think I'm really attracted to the whole no-rules type of religion, or rather make your own rules religion, no dogma, no creed, just basically carve your own way, not follow the beaten path. So yeah, Chaos Magick, Paradigm Piracy, Unitarian Universalism is for me. I have found my path! Huzzah! I've also talked with a few people about my path online,and they've had some good things to say, need to find a yahoo group or something maybe. But one step at a time. And all in secret. I'm still very much in the broom closet, as far as my dad is concerned. My mom knows, but she's more understanding, and at least she's open about her fear about it, where my dad is just like no its wrong, avoid it, shun it, destroy it blah blah blah. I'm more explore it, research it, embrace it as part of the whole of everything, cause without it the other can't exist. Withouth 'evil' good can't exist, we all need everything to exist as a whole. The great Cosmic IT. The ALL, That Which Is. The Divine Creatrix. Matter and Anti-Matter....
So yeah that's my blog update for now, ttyl
Star out.
12.08.2010
Mission to Self Love
I have been in passionate hate with myself for as long as I can remember, the reasons have always changed, but the hate or at least a mild dislike have always been there. Its time for that to change. I've been discussing the matter with my friend/mentor and she has given me some helpful tips to falling in love with myself.
1. Acknowledge the qualities that I already have and how I want those to best have a positive effect on the world.
2. Cultivate the things in myself that I'd fall in love with if they were in someone else.
3. Understand that I am already deserving of love both mine and others right now in this moment, support this foundation of belief and love by pulling forth those qualities you know are in you and meant to be yours and LIVE in those qualities to improve your life and the lives of others around you.
So once I've done that I should be off to an amazing start! Don't cha think?
1. Acknowledge the qualities that I already have and how I want those to best have a positive effect on the world.
2. Cultivate the things in myself that I'd fall in love with if they were in someone else.
3. Understand that I am already deserving of love both mine and others right now in this moment, support this foundation of belief and love by pulling forth those qualities you know are in you and meant to be yours and LIVE in those qualities to improve your life and the lives of others around you.
So once I've done that I should be off to an amazing start! Don't cha think?
12.04.2010
Starting Over... Old Choices Made again
So, I have decided to identify as a lightworker and an elemental vampire. I like to feed mostly from the wind and from water i.e. storms/rain. But yeah, so, I fed recently and it was exhilarting, I was so inspired, and physically hungry afterward. And light worker, well that's because I read somewhere that its all about self-love. Which is what I need, what more people need. I know it sounds cheesy but I want to bring the realism back into it, and take the cheese out of it so people take it seriously.
I got a candle for hannukah so I can practice my grounding/centering. I also need to practice my shielding because other people's opinions seem to evoke strong emotions from me. And I don't think that's a good thing
But I am focusing my thoughts, using the law of attraction to bring my poly group/family/quad/pack to me. First the primary male which I will marry and we will move to Washington so I can be with Ria, my primary female,and we'll add, maybe a second male to our group, maybe. But one thing at a time. My alpha and then washington state where it rains a lot and I can keep well fed.
I like being an elemental vampire, it makes my connection to the earth less stupid and aggravating. I actually like the connection now. Whereas before, it made me uncomfortable. And I'm still researching a little more about the lightworker stuff.
"The Lightworker’s identity
Lightworkers are souls who carry the strong inner desire to spread Light – knowledge, freedom and self-love – on earth. They sense this as their mission. They are often attracted to spirituality and to therapeutic work of some kind.
Because of their deeply felt mission, lightworkers often feel different from other people. By experiencing different kinds of obstacles on their way, life provokes them to find their own unique path. Lightworkers are nearly always solitary individuals, not fitting into fixed societal structures."
from:http://www.jeshua.net/
that's what I read that made me want to be a light worker, that plus a youtube video I added to my playlist... don't want to look up that link right now though, I may add it later... who knows.
Anyway, that's all I wanted to blog about so .. until next time
Star out.
I got a candle for hannukah so I can practice my grounding/centering. I also need to practice my shielding because other people's opinions seem to evoke strong emotions from me. And I don't think that's a good thing
But I am focusing my thoughts, using the law of attraction to bring my poly group/family/quad/pack to me. First the primary male which I will marry and we will move to Washington so I can be with Ria, my primary female,and we'll add, maybe a second male to our group, maybe. But one thing at a time. My alpha and then washington state where it rains a lot and I can keep well fed.
I like being an elemental vampire, it makes my connection to the earth less stupid and aggravating. I actually like the connection now. Whereas before, it made me uncomfortable. And I'm still researching a little more about the lightworker stuff.
"The Lightworker’s identity
Lightworkers are souls who carry the strong inner desire to spread Light – knowledge, freedom and self-love – on earth. They sense this as their mission. They are often attracted to spirituality and to therapeutic work of some kind.
Because of their deeply felt mission, lightworkers often feel different from other people. By experiencing different kinds of obstacles on their way, life provokes them to find their own unique path. Lightworkers are nearly always solitary individuals, not fitting into fixed societal structures."
from:http://www.jeshua.net/
that's what I read that made me want to be a light worker, that plus a youtube video I added to my playlist... don't want to look up that link right now though, I may add it later... who knows.
Anyway, that's all I wanted to blog about so .. until next time
Star out.
11.10.2010
gender fluidity
what do you see as your personal "gender range?" Is there a clear definition between when you feel "male" or "female" or "androgynous," "non-gendered," "blended," etc? Or are you always in a state of flux?
Its a question I ran into on fetlife, in a gender fluid group. I wanted to answer but I want to answer here first, as a way of sort of drafting my response. I want a really wordy response like everyone else for some reason. Cause it is something that crosses my mind a lot. I want to get deeply involved with the transgender and gender queer communities...
But to answer the question...
I think my gender range is kind of narrow but within that narrow range its always in flux. Its on the femme side for masculine, think an effeminate male, long hair and long nails, but its sort of non-gendered for feminine, baggy pants, baggy shirts, really nondescript not really form fitting, wife beaters notwithstanding. But its a fluid blended mix of this femme male trying to be a masculine female, if that makes sense. But I am not in anyway butch, in fact I despise the word. I identify as a femme boi, I'm a boy that wants to be a girl, and that's the simplest way for me to say it. I'm a boy that wants to be a girl. But I'm not high femme like make up and dresses, no, I like my baggy jeans and layered shirts very much thank you -smirk-
But its also so fluid that it may change as I grow into this budding gender identity and find my gender expression which is a little difficult right now, but hey, all in due time right?
So that's my answer, I had a nice tie in with my sometimes asexuality but I'm not really feeling that right now, guess that's what I get for procrastinating on writing this blog and multi-tasking, right? Lol!
Its a question I ran into on fetlife, in a gender fluid group. I wanted to answer but I want to answer here first, as a way of sort of drafting my response. I want a really wordy response like everyone else for some reason. Cause it is something that crosses my mind a lot. I want to get deeply involved with the transgender and gender queer communities...
But to answer the question...
I think my gender range is kind of narrow but within that narrow range its always in flux. Its on the femme side for masculine, think an effeminate male, long hair and long nails, but its sort of non-gendered for feminine, baggy pants, baggy shirts, really nondescript not really form fitting, wife beaters notwithstanding. But its a fluid blended mix of this femme male trying to be a masculine female, if that makes sense. But I am not in anyway butch, in fact I despise the word. I identify as a femme boi, I'm a boy that wants to be a girl, and that's the simplest way for me to say it. I'm a boy that wants to be a girl. But I'm not high femme like make up and dresses, no, I like my baggy jeans and layered shirts very much thank you -smirk-
But its also so fluid that it may change as I grow into this budding gender identity and find my gender expression which is a little difficult right now, but hey, all in due time right?
So that's my answer, I had a nice tie in with my sometimes asexuality but I'm not really feeling that right now, guess that's what I get for procrastinating on writing this blog and multi-tasking, right? Lol!
11.06.2010
Science and Paganism
So I realized something (again)...
Studying Science can substitute for studying paganism. Especially for an agnostic pagan like me. Because science is the study of the earth of nature and paganism is the worship of the earth of nature, so they are like so close its uncanny, they are almost the same! For me they can be the same. I can study science as part of my paganism lessons.
I keep retaking this test on okcupid what kind of Scientist are you and here's the result I keep getting:
Systematist
You are 35% hard-core, and care 45% about the big picture!
You like looking at animals and plants. You probably caught insects as a kid and tried to pin them in a collection - you sick bastard. Your ideal vacation is to a sweltering jungle where you sit staring into a dissecting microscope describing a new species of obligate bromeliad mite parasite.
I keep retaking it to see if I can get a different result, and I got physical chemist once, but I didn't like that result either. My original, the first time I took it I kept getting geochemist. Here are all the possible results:
All possible test results
Eccentric Theorist
Social psychologist
Sociologist
Theologist
Molecular Biologist
Systematist
Sociobiologist
Ecologist
Physical Chemist
Organic Chemist
Biochemist
Geochemist
Particle Physicist
Material Scientist
Astronomer
Cosmologist
Analytician
Algebrist
Combinatoricist
Math Logician
I could take the test over and skip over the questions I'm not sure of....
so I did that and I got: Molecular Biologist
You are 25% hard-core, and care 6% about the big picture!
You really like running gels. Ooh Ooh! You like pretty SEM pictures even more! But systems biology probably makes you want to gag.
Curious...
Anyway. I'm studying science. I can have a lab and have it be like my altar or something like that, isn't that cool? I really want to get into physics or botany or something like that, oh and chemistry! I got a really big book from the library called The Science Book... I coulda got it last time but I reached the limit on how many items to have out which is like 50 or something like that. I have to read all the books I've started by January cause I'm going to job corps! My doctor finally signed the papers. -dances-
But that's like ten books I need to finish by January. Its Guilty Pleasures, Burnt Offerings, Circus of the Damned, Killing Dance, Lost Symbol, Spell of the Highlander, Kitty and the Midnight Hour, Laughing Corpse, Obsidian Butterfly and I think that's it... I hope I can finish. And I'll start doing some minor experiments and posting them on here and such, and I can study the laws of science like I would study the bible, see how they can apply to my life in a symbolic way,if that makes sense...
Well, until next time,
Star Out.
Oh, almost forgot, here's alink to that quiz I mentioned ...
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-what-kind-of-scientist-are-you-test
Have fun!
Oh and another tidbit, I took this Theism test and got Non Theist, more on that in my next blog...
Studying Science can substitute for studying paganism. Especially for an agnostic pagan like me. Because science is the study of the earth of nature and paganism is the worship of the earth of nature, so they are like so close its uncanny, they are almost the same! For me they can be the same. I can study science as part of my paganism lessons.
I keep retaking this test on okcupid what kind of Scientist are you and here's the result I keep getting:
Systematist
You are 35% hard-core, and care 45% about the big picture!
You like looking at animals and plants. You probably caught insects as a kid and tried to pin them in a collection - you sick bastard. Your ideal vacation is to a sweltering jungle where you sit staring into a dissecting microscope describing a new species of obligate bromeliad mite parasite.
I keep retaking it to see if I can get a different result, and I got physical chemist once, but I didn't like that result either. My original, the first time I took it I kept getting geochemist. Here are all the possible results:
All possible test results
Eccentric Theorist
Social psychologist
Sociologist
Theologist
Molecular Biologist
Systematist
Sociobiologist
Ecologist
Physical Chemist
Organic Chemist
Biochemist
Geochemist
Particle Physicist
Material Scientist
Astronomer
Cosmologist
Analytician
Algebrist
Combinatoricist
Math Logician
I could take the test over and skip over the questions I'm not sure of....
so I did that and I got: Molecular Biologist
You are 25% hard-core, and care 6% about the big picture!
You really like running gels. Ooh Ooh! You like pretty SEM pictures even more! But systems biology probably makes you want to gag.
Curious...
Anyway. I'm studying science. I can have a lab and have it be like my altar or something like that, isn't that cool? I really want to get into physics or botany or something like that, oh and chemistry! I got a really big book from the library called The Science Book... I coulda got it last time but I reached the limit on how many items to have out which is like 50 or something like that. I have to read all the books I've started by January cause I'm going to job corps! My doctor finally signed the papers. -dances-
But that's like ten books I need to finish by January. Its Guilty Pleasures, Burnt Offerings, Circus of the Damned, Killing Dance, Lost Symbol, Spell of the Highlander, Kitty and the Midnight Hour, Laughing Corpse, Obsidian Butterfly and I think that's it... I hope I can finish. And I'll start doing some minor experiments and posting them on here and such, and I can study the laws of science like I would study the bible, see how they can apply to my life in a symbolic way,if that makes sense...
Well, until next time,
Star Out.
Oh, almost forgot, here's alink to that quiz I mentioned ...
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-what-kind-of-scientist-are-you-test
Have fun!
Oh and another tidbit, I took this Theism test and got Non Theist, more on that in my next blog...
10.30.2010
NaNoWriMo Eve ...ish...
I'm feeling very agnostic and very starseed today, or rather lately. I have been trying to brush up on my science fiction and my math. Also my electronica music, I've been adding more of that music to my playlist, I still want to make that sort of music one day. And I will, once my first book becomes a best seller and I can buy that synthesizer I want a Korg Radias...
But really, I'm starting to think that agnosticism is my lens, my perception of the divine, because its like I don't believe in dogma, and so many gods are immersed in dogma, but I'm so hardwired to be theist that I can't forsake god completely even though all religions are just stories, even paganism, with all the mythology. I mean think about you got creation myths and apocalypse endings, its stories. fictions. And fictions that I do not care for, I might add.
I believe we get reincarnated after we die. We evolve and are reborn on a higher plane a different dimension or reality of existance. Like my next life I want to be Japanese and be a mangaka and be a mutant with like telepathy powers or something. But yeah, or I want to be a Time Lord traveling the galaxy with my crew that consists of a Trill, Vulcan, other Time Lords, an Isolus...ooh, I want to be an Isolus in my next life! Yeah...
But I've decided that this NaNoWriMo, I'm going to take it seriously, I'm going to type 2K words a day and create my world/fandom and it will not only be my world but it will be about my budding religion and beliefs... and then in December I can edit it and re-write it or continue it, if it gets really long and I'm gonna get an editor and get published and be famous and yeah, its gonna happen, then I can buy my dad a house in Colorado and a house in Texas and a private jet so we can visit both whenever we like! And I'm gonna have a loft in Downtown Denver near the sixteenth street mall!
O Dreams ...
I like feeling agnostic, it feels right somehow... and I think its funny how no one knows. How good I am at keeping it secret. There are times where I want to shout it from the rooftops but yeah I am silent. Silent Starseed. Agnostic Pagan, pagan only because it was the first religion and I want to get back to my roots, but I don't have a pantheon or anything. I have considered lately to go back to calling myself a quantum witch and trying spells again... not sure though...
Things seemed to move faster for me when I did think of myself as a quantum witch and do spells, I got everything I wanted even if it wasn't the way I wanted it. I just had to focus and use the right emotion for fuel, but It may not work because of Daddy's faith blocking it. He prays over me and stuff, when I was a quantum witch I was with my mom and she didn't do that...hmm, just something to factor in...
But spells take too much work! I'm feeling lazy. I don't want to have to put all that focus into things! Le sigh, I have a lot on my mind and I'm hungry so I'm probably going to log off soon. Daddy's making spaghetti, I'm excited. Spaghetti and Voyager, yay!
Okay, I'm tangent central here, if I'm gonna ramble at least let it be on topic... which I think I've said all I want to say for the day...yeah. Excited for NaNoWriMo -dances-
But really, I'm starting to think that agnosticism is my lens, my perception of the divine, because its like I don't believe in dogma, and so many gods are immersed in dogma, but I'm so hardwired to be theist that I can't forsake god completely even though all religions are just stories, even paganism, with all the mythology. I mean think about you got creation myths and apocalypse endings, its stories. fictions. And fictions that I do not care for, I might add.
I believe we get reincarnated after we die. We evolve and are reborn on a higher plane a different dimension or reality of existance. Like my next life I want to be Japanese and be a mangaka and be a mutant with like telepathy powers or something. But yeah, or I want to be a Time Lord traveling the galaxy with my crew that consists of a Trill, Vulcan, other Time Lords, an Isolus...ooh, I want to be an Isolus in my next life! Yeah...
But I've decided that this NaNoWriMo, I'm going to take it seriously, I'm going to type 2K words a day and create my world/fandom and it will not only be my world but it will be about my budding religion and beliefs... and then in December I can edit it and re-write it or continue it, if it gets really long and I'm gonna get an editor and get published and be famous and yeah, its gonna happen, then I can buy my dad a house in Colorado and a house in Texas and a private jet so we can visit both whenever we like! And I'm gonna have a loft in Downtown Denver near the sixteenth street mall!
O Dreams ...
I like feeling agnostic, it feels right somehow... and I think its funny how no one knows. How good I am at keeping it secret. There are times where I want to shout it from the rooftops but yeah I am silent. Silent Starseed. Agnostic Pagan, pagan only because it was the first religion and I want to get back to my roots, but I don't have a pantheon or anything. I have considered lately to go back to calling myself a quantum witch and trying spells again... not sure though...
Things seemed to move faster for me when I did think of myself as a quantum witch and do spells, I got everything I wanted even if it wasn't the way I wanted it. I just had to focus and use the right emotion for fuel, but It may not work because of Daddy's faith blocking it. He prays over me and stuff, when I was a quantum witch I was with my mom and she didn't do that...hmm, just something to factor in...
But spells take too much work! I'm feeling lazy. I don't want to have to put all that focus into things! Le sigh, I have a lot on my mind and I'm hungry so I'm probably going to log off soon. Daddy's making spaghetti, I'm excited. Spaghetti and Voyager, yay!
Okay, I'm tangent central here, if I'm gonna ramble at least let it be on topic... which I think I've said all I want to say for the day...yeah. Excited for NaNoWriMo -dances-
10.09.2010
Another Relgion Post...
So. I have decided not to think of myself as Christian anymore. I am out of love with the Christian god and ready to explore my other options. My first thing would be that now I can study paganism, but there's my dad I have to worry about. So, I have to back off and look into other things, but then its like what else is there that I want to study? I don't like organized religion. Its man made and full of holes. Besides everything has pagan roots because paganism is the first religion.
I joined a UU yahoo group so I'm going to try and talk with folks there and see how it goes.
But its like an epiphany. Christianity is a mythology just like any other religion. Its silly to put your faith in a bunch of outlandish fantasy stories and guide your life by thema and try to intrepret symbolism and allegory where there is none. Jonah got swallowed by a big fish. That's not symbolic for if you turn away from god you're gonna get eaten or whatever people try to make it out to be.
I still consider myself an agnostic pagan though. I just have no guide book, no pastor that dictates where I should go with my life, its all on me now. Scary thought, huh?
I really want to write bdsm fiction but I can't seem to get an idea started and going. I need a place where I can escape and write and be. I need a world of my own. Even the world I have with my gf is tied to relgion, which is fine, my main character is the devil, I am fascinated by him as well and want to find out more about him and think his story should be told from a different light, making him the hero, but still, I need to have something else. And everything is spiritual for me, it has to have some deeper meaning to it otherwise its like no fun, Well that's not entirely true. I read urban fantasy no problem and there's nt necessarily any deeper meaning in that, but I can't *write* urban fantasy, I've tried and I can't find my grove in it -sigh-
So I'm on this labyrinth to discover what I believe and I want to write it in a story and I'm at a loss ... for now. Wish me luck on my path, until next time..
Star out.
I joined a UU yahoo group so I'm going to try and talk with folks there and see how it goes.
But its like an epiphany. Christianity is a mythology just like any other religion. Its silly to put your faith in a bunch of outlandish fantasy stories and guide your life by thema and try to intrepret symbolism and allegory where there is none. Jonah got swallowed by a big fish. That's not symbolic for if you turn away from god you're gonna get eaten or whatever people try to make it out to be.
I still consider myself an agnostic pagan though. I just have no guide book, no pastor that dictates where I should go with my life, its all on me now. Scary thought, huh?
I really want to write bdsm fiction but I can't seem to get an idea started and going. I need a place where I can escape and write and be. I need a world of my own. Even the world I have with my gf is tied to relgion, which is fine, my main character is the devil, I am fascinated by him as well and want to find out more about him and think his story should be told from a different light, making him the hero, but still, I need to have something else. And everything is spiritual for me, it has to have some deeper meaning to it otherwise its like no fun, Well that's not entirely true. I read urban fantasy no problem and there's nt necessarily any deeper meaning in that, but I can't *write* urban fantasy, I've tried and I can't find my grove in it -sigh-
So I'm on this labyrinth to discover what I believe and I want to write it in a story and I'm at a loss ... for now. Wish me luck on my path, until next time..
Star out.
9.04.2010
Unitarian Universalism and Me
My moods swing every which way and that includes for religion. I feel agnostic one day and pagan the next, Christian the day after that. I need a place where I can be every and all those at the same time without it seen as a contradiction.
And thus my conversion to Unitarian Universalism is born.
I want to observe all the holidays and observances, study any writings/books and decide what will be my holy books the same thing for music for worship music. I want to walk my own path with PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
I want to do more than pray and meditate, I want to do. And UU involvement in social justice can fulfill that need. I want to love the way I want to love, the way that feels right for me. I am a panromantic, polyamorous,fandomsexual/demisexual.
And I want to write Unitarian Universalist fiction like there is christian fiction.
I have the idea of my first novel. A UU Retreat and a new convert. I wrote a christian fiction book with that premise before, so it should be easy. I may post excerpts here on my blog, I don't know...
I may put a leather family in there, I have some poly characters and trans characters and of course some queer/gay characters. I am debating if I want to make it urban fantasy and have vampires and werefolk in it. I may just put otherkin in there instead of the fictional kinds. Make it more realistic and such.
I've also been debating if I should start a new blog strictly for my UU writings and thoughts... I may, I wanted to start a zine but a blog might be easier. I don't have a PO box or anything for people to send money for stamps and such. -sigh-.
I really want to start a zine though....
And thus my conversion to Unitarian Universalism is born.
I want to observe all the holidays and observances, study any writings/books and decide what will be my holy books the same thing for music for worship music. I want to walk my own path with PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
I want to do more than pray and meditate, I want to do. And UU involvement in social justice can fulfill that need. I want to love the way I want to love, the way that feels right for me. I am a panromantic, polyamorous,fandomsexual/demisexual.
And I want to write Unitarian Universalist fiction like there is christian fiction.
I have the idea of my first novel. A UU Retreat and a new convert. I wrote a christian fiction book with that premise before, so it should be easy. I may post excerpts here on my blog, I don't know...
I may put a leather family in there, I have some poly characters and trans characters and of course some queer/gay characters. I am debating if I want to make it urban fantasy and have vampires and werefolk in it. I may just put otherkin in there instead of the fictional kinds. Make it more realistic and such.
I've also been debating if I should start a new blog strictly for my UU writings and thoughts... I may, I wanted to start a zine but a blog might be easier. I don't have a PO box or anything for people to send money for stamps and such. -sigh-.
I really want to start a zine though....
8.07.2010
Reciepe I found and would like to try one day
I combined bread and berries this year in a quick bread.
CHERRY PIE LOAF (or Blueberry)
1 cup veggie oil (or canola or olive)
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups granulated sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 (20 oz) can cherry pie filling (or blueberry)
1 cup chopped pecans (or other nuts)
Beat together eggs, oil and vanilla.
Sift dry ingredients together and add to egg mixture.
Stir in pie filling by hand.
Pour into two greased loaf pans.
Bake at 325 F for one hour.
I didn't have any nuts so I sprinkled a mixture of cinnamon and sugar on the top for a strussel topping, YUM. The family devoured one and the other is going to Lammas ritual.
((Source:http://www.mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=217914))
CHERRY PIE LOAF (or Blueberry)
1 cup veggie oil (or canola or olive)
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups granulated sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 (20 oz) can cherry pie filling (or blueberry)
1 cup chopped pecans (or other nuts)
Beat together eggs, oil and vanilla.
Sift dry ingredients together and add to egg mixture.
Stir in pie filling by hand.
Pour into two greased loaf pans.
Bake at 325 F for one hour.
I didn't have any nuts so I sprinkled a mixture of cinnamon and sugar on the top for a strussel topping, YUM. The family devoured one and the other is going to Lammas ritual.
((Source:http://www.mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=217914))
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