Another Relgion Post...

So. I have decided not to think of myself as Christian anymore. I am out of love with the Christian god and ready to explore my other options. My first thing would be that now I can study paganism, but there's my dad I have to worry about. So, I have to back off and look into other things, but then its like what else is there that I want to study? I don't like organized religion. Its man made and full of holes. Besides everything has pagan roots because paganism is the first religion.

I joined a UU yahoo group so I'm going to try and talk with folks there and see how it goes.

But its like an epiphany. Christianity is a mythology just like any other religion. Its silly to put your faith in a bunch of outlandish fantasy stories and guide your life by thema and try to intrepret symbolism and allegory where there is none. Jonah got swallowed by a big fish. That's not symbolic for if you turn away from god you're gonna get eaten or whatever people try to make it out to be.

I still consider myself an agnostic pagan though. I just have no guide book, no pastor that dictates where I should go with my life, its all on me now. Scary thought, huh?

I really want to write bdsm fiction but I can't seem to get an idea started and going. I need a place where I can escape and write and be. I need a world of my own. Even the world I have with my gf is tied to relgion, which is fine, my main character is the devil, I am fascinated by him as well and want to find out more about him and think his story should be told from a different light, making him the hero, but still, I need to have something else. And everything is spiritual for me, it has to have some deeper meaning to it otherwise its like no fun, Well that's not entirely true. I read urban fantasy no problem and there's nt necessarily any deeper meaning in that, but I can't *write* urban fantasy, I've tried and I can't find my grove in it -sigh-

So I'm on this labyrinth to discover what I believe and I want to write it in a story and I'm at a loss ... for now. Wish me luck on my path, until next time..

Star out.

Unitarian Universalism and Me

My moods swing every which way and that includes for religion. I feel agnostic one day and pagan the next, Christian the day after that. I need a place where I can be every and all those at the same time without it seen as a contradiction.

And thus my conversion to Unitarian Universalism is born.

I want to observe all the holidays and observances, study any writings/books and decide what will be my holy books the same thing for music for worship music. I want to walk my own path with PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.

I want to do more than pray and meditate, I want to do. And UU involvement in social justice can fulfill that need. I want to love the way I want to love, the way that feels right for me. I am a panromantic, polyamorous,fandomsexual/demisexual.

And I want to write Unitarian Universalist fiction like there is christian fiction.

I have the idea of my first novel. A UU Retreat and a new convert. I wrote a christian fiction book with that premise before, so it should be easy. I may post excerpts here on my blog, I don't know...

I may put a leather family in there, I have some poly characters and trans characters and of course some queer/gay characters. I am debating if I want to make it urban fantasy and have vampires and werefolk in it. I may just put otherkin in there instead of the fictional kinds. Make it more realistic and such.

I've also been debating if I should start a new blog strictly for my UU writings and thoughts... I may, I wanted to start a zine but a blog might be easier. I don't have a PO box or anything for people to send money for stamps and such. -sigh-.

I really want to start a zine though....

Reciepe I found and would like to try one day

I combined bread and berries this year in a quick bread.

CHERRY PIE LOAF (or Blueberry)

1 cup veggie oil (or canola or olive)
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups granulated sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 (20 oz) can cherry pie filling (or blueberry)
1 cup chopped pecans (or other nuts)

Beat together eggs, oil and vanilla.
Sift dry ingredients together and add to egg mixture.
Stir in pie filling by hand.
Pour into two greased loaf pans.
Bake at 325 F for one hour.

I didn't have any nuts so I sprinkled a mixture of cinnamon and sugar on the top for a strussel topping, YUM. The family devoured one and the other is going to Lammas ritual.

((Source:http://www.mysticwicks.com/showthread.php?t=217914))

Kinky Muse....

I've decided I want to write BDSM Fiction. There isn't enough of it in the world I don't think. I want pain slut characters and virgins who are discovering some new part of their sexuality stumbling into dungeons in remote parts of town. I want sensual Masters and Cruel Mistresses to grace my pages.

I want to saturate the world with BDSM fiction. It can be my way of finding and discovering where I stand exactly in the world. Instead of just a virgin fetishist. I know, I know most of it will be pure fantasy as I am still a virgin, but we all gotta start somewhere, right?

It will be written during my 'everything I write sucks' phase so its all good.

One day I want to write my thesis on the psychology of BDSM or BDSM in fiction, probably the latter. I want to study this stuff, and surround myself in the beauty of it. I want to fill shelves with my naughty imagination. That's my goal, one of my many dreams. And I'm gonna do it.

I want to co-write erotica and BDSM fiction with my lovers (as soon as I have a lover again). I want to be a famous fiction writer and BDSM is my genre. I realize I'm repeating myself but I can't help it. I want it so much!

Neodruid Athiest

Okay so I'm black but I'm drawn to the Celts. There has to be some Irish/Scottish something in my somewhere otherwise, why the draw? I am thinking of making a second SCA persona, one from Celtic Gaul. The other one is from Moorish Spain. That way I'm covered for both my ideal places in History. The moorish spain one will still be set in France, and the Celtic Gaul one maybe from Scotland or Wales.

I want to be a druid, so I'm researching that. I feel really drawn to that path for some reason. It has to be a secret I know, until I find a mentor. I feel really agnostic lately though, so maybe I'm an Agnostic Druid or maybe even a neodruid athiest. I still believe in some sort of afterlife. Reincarnation mostly, but the idea of the Christian God is getting harder and harder to accept. Everything. EVERYTHING has pagan roots. I think its high time I discover mine.

My dad dug deep to find his jewish roots, time I take the baton and dig deeper to find our pagan roots. It sure as hell ain't anything voodoo, not really. I'm drawn to Oya, goddess of the wind but other than that, there really isn't a draw to the Yoruban pantheon/religion beliefs. Except that I like how they connect to Catholicism, like the Celts did. Its part of the reason I want a rosary.

But I want a rosary without Jesus on the cross, just a Celtic cross on the end, black wooden beads -nods- Eventually, one day, maybe.

Just as short blog to update myself on my progress since the psychosis and diagnosis of being bipolar. I'm stable on risperidone and should be starting job corps soon!

until next time,

Star out.

(re) defining lesbian

I am a lesbian.

I am trans.

I am femme.

And I will always consider myself a girl in the way only a male can.

I like girls. A LOT. I am still attracted to guys, like I can look at a guy and tell you if I think he is cute or not, but as far as relationships go, I would rather it be with a woman. Or a femme identified male, like me.

It doesn't taste an awkward lie to call myself gay or lez, like it does with saying I'm bi. I love myself more when I call myself lesbian.


LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN....damn that word feels good.

So, I'm Trans ...

I have been asking myself or had this feeling in the back of my mind of 'is it okay to be a girl' and I thought something was wrong with me. Because biologically I am a girl. But, I'm a boy. Its like, all through school, I dressed 'butch' and got mistaken for a dyke, but I wasn't. I was a girl. So it was like subconsciously I knew I was male, but I didn't know how to express it cause my body didn't 'match'. Like uber dysphoria on a level that was like unexpress-able, which for me was like, non-existance.

Now, I have reached out and gotten wise words from others who have been in my place, other femme ftms, and I can hold my head high, grab my pink boa and dance, celebrating my femininity as a guy, the way I feel I should. I mean it feels so right to feel sexy and girly but at the same time, embracing my soul, my mind set as male. Male in mind. Female in Expression. Like, I don't know I'm a transvestite or something?

A Male Transvestite in a Female Body?

Maybe.

Could work.

I mean like the sound of that. Lol.

Its all thanks to my otherkin side, which I found to be just a dragon. He has many elements so that I can adopt other archetypes, but they all converge on the dragon. I like polymorphic alien though. I probably will still refer to myself as an alien. And I am still a multiple, but its like superposition. We all exist and then converge on the one. The wave and the particle.

Its kinda funny that I am like, looking at myself with new eyes, eyes of love instead of hate. I feel my wings extend and I visualize myself soaring, high in the sky, like the avian I am, its exhilarating. Who knew self-love could be as passionate as self-hate? I know its a mere shift of polarity but its like worlds ... worlds apart.

And I like the fact that I can travel back and forth as I please, all for the sake of maintaining balance. I mean everyone had dark days, right? I know for a fact that unless something drastic, like uber drastic happens that I go so dark that my inhibitions are gone, I won't actually kill myself, not in body anyway. I've done it in spirit a couple of times, and as I have more than one, (transgender = twin spirit or two spirit as you will ) it kinda explains things in retrospect, but I never really had the balls to just pull the trigger for good, deep down I knew I had too much to live for.

It must have been some sort of entanglement pre-cognition. Like I knew I had yet to feel this cause I already felt it, but because of the construct/illusion of Time, I had to wait for it. Stuck on the slow path as it were.

Another thing that embracing this has helped me with, I realize that the 'form' I rest in is something close to Mrs. Who or Mrs. Whatsit from Wrinkle in Time, cause like sometimes I can't get my words right so I like quote or go in and out of languages, lol. Quarky right?

Anyway, its amazing what embracing one's gender identity can do for a guy ::wink::