Coming out as a Furry

I bet its easy to come out of this closet. I mean I have a lot ... A LOT of closets. Its like one of those Russian dolls of closets. Anyway. Hello I'm Star and I'm a furry. My fursona is a leopard/jaguar demon. Its not an otherkin side exactly, its a fursona. I feel the difference between them, and unless you're both or either I'm not sure I know how to explain it properly. I mean. There is a spiritual factor to my fursona, because , come on, its me, but there is also a fictional aspect that isn't there with my otherkin sides.

My fursona is male. Surprise, surprise, and a shapeshifter, not a were, not bound to the moon. He shifts from anthro form, looking like a nekojin, and then back into full kitty form. He has red eyes and brown hair, the color of his rossettes, when he's in anthro form. I love him so much. I am currently using him in two seperate stories with two different friends, don't know if that's bad or not., I have three names that I like for him, but I think he likes one more than the other. The names are Demetrius, Naftali and Octavius. I think he likes Naftali best. So maybe we'll go with that?

Anyways, I thought I'd start posting here again since I remembered my log in info! LOL.

Lots of furry snuggles to my fellow furries out there!

Star out.

Spiritual Essays.

I've mentioned it before, maybe not on here, but I've contemplated writing spiritual essays. It would work out my writers muscle, and help me unify and stablize my spirituality. Help shape it, give it some flesh and bone, some meat and weight to it. I would most likely put it on my wordpress blog. But I think in the spirit of discipline and new awakenings, I should start. Not try, but do. And I don't want them to sound like sermons, more like meditations of sort. So I should avoid using words like should and such, like just be peaceful and zen about it. I wonder what the topic will be about today. I'm thinking it will be like a series of looking at the bible with new eyes of self-love, from a pagan perspective or something. That way my dad will think I'm reading my bible, and I am, but not like he is, or am I? O.o;

Anyway, just a quick blog/blurb of something else I want to do. Maybe not an everyday thing, but a regular thing. I dont know if I would want to share them with my writing group. But we'll see...

Happy to be Bio-Female

I'm having a good day today. It started last night, when I was replying to my mentor's message on facebook, we've sort of moved from email to facebook. But anyway, she mentioned hoop dancing a while ago and I didn't really think much of it, but now, (maybe its the energy from my period) now I am obsessed with wanting to learn and master it. I also tried out yoga this morning. Yoga is soo awesome! I was sweating and my heart was racing, ten times better than using my dad's total gym machine and that old school exercise bike. I didn't even sweat when I used those. With yoga, I think I only did five minutes this time, to start off, and I can tell this is for me. That combined with hoop dancing and martial arts? Watch out, world! Here I come! I'll be sexy and confident in no time!

But This is another gender rant. I am bio-female. I was born with a vagina. And I've been denying my gender, pretending it wasnt there. Part of it was my Judeo-Christian upbringing that made me believe it was evil and wrong to do anything to embrace it, and feel sexy. I was ashamed to have a period, something as natural as that! And I attached shame to it. Well, no more! I may be gender queer or genderfluid or omnigendered, bigendered, or whatever term I feel like using, but I am still in a female body, and my female psyche has been hurt that I have been thinking so lowly of her.

I watched this Tony Robbins clip on youtube, this little mini training video thing. Well, really it was two of them. One was the Five keys to thrive and the other one was New Year New Life. And they have really changed the way I am looking at life. I took copious notes in one of my journals. And the message he had is one of the driving forces behind this change I'm undergoing.

Samhain = Celtic New Year, so technically its a new year. New Year = New Beginnings. Its time for a new Star to burst forth. I am done hating myself. DONE DONE DONE.

Star out.

I hate gender!

I hate it I hate it I hate it.
Why do we have to choose anyway?
Fuck Pronouns!
Fuck Dysphoria
Fuck Transitioning

Just fuck it all

Having a Down Day ...

I'm starting to feel inadequate because I can't adequately explore my sexuality with my current living situation. I feel like this is the time when everyone is doing that, when you're supposed to, I mean its my 20s! And I'm posting in forums all night instead of going out and browsing a dungeon with friends. This all happened because of that stupid psychotic break. If it didn't happen, I'd be back on Colorado still going to munches, and the energy workshops, but not here, not now, because I can't go out at night, I'm still on the bus and Dallas is MUCH more gritty than Denver, it doesn't feel as safe, and there is NOTHING in Irving, for my demographic. Its all in Dallas or Ft.Worth or Arlington or something, I know it.

But I want to explore my sexuality. Even if I can't do it with my girlfriend of two years, because she lives in a different state, and I don't know how I'm going to get there. And neither of us wants to end up in Texas, though I have a feeling that once I start branching out and making friends here, it will be harder to leave.

I'm the kind of person that needs support, lots of people in my corner. I can't rock it alone very easy. I wonder if that's why the leopard totem came to me a couple of months ago. Well, years actually, I thought it was an otherkin side at first, but turns out its just a strong totem. But leopards are felines and felines have this solitary, independent nature. I need to learn to become more independent.

Maybe this means I learn how to drive. If I can drive, I can go out and do things, and my dad won't be as worried, he may not let me go clubbing, but I'm not really a clubbing type of person anyway, unless its a BDSM club, then I want to go. But I need friends! And the friends at my church aren't really my friends. I mean they wouldn't be if they really knew me. The trannyfag, polyamrous, kinky, wanna be ethical slut, therian starseed, no, they want like the straight acting charade I have going on.

Supposedly Seattle has a good poly community. Seattle is really close to Everett where my lovely gf lives. I wish I could just hitch-hike and move up there with her, but she's staying with her parents too, and she's still in school. So, I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed, use the law of attraction that a way will be made.

But yeah, I just had this moment of realization that I feel really inadequate as a person because I have no social outlet. I mean with my own people, trans, poly, otherkin people. I have my writing group, anime club, and the church group, but none of them 'get' me. Just my small circle of online friends ... guess in the mean time, until I develop an going offline --Dallas Edition plan, I'll expand my online friend circle. Browse fet for interesting trans people to talk to, I am soooo transamorous, if that makes me a chaser, so be it. I'm not ashamed. I mean I look at some of these transguys, and its like, yeah, I could so totally be with a transguy, I mean he would understand me, with my gender fluctuations and all... I don't know. He'd have to pass, I don't want my dad to be all dramatic or anything...

Wow, this is longer than I thought and I kinda went off on a tangent, just to say that I have no gender outlet, no place to talk about my gender squabbles in my brain, I mean I wanna be trans but I don't want to be on hormones and I don't want full top surgery, I like my long natural hair, I just wish I wasn't so endowed, I want a binder so badly! And more boxer shorts...and guy clothes, but not suits or tuxes, but ties yes! I love ties, and caps, newsboy caps, and scarves ... ugh. I'm going to shut up now ...

Star out.

Now I can rest easy

So, this is a retraction of my retraction, it seems I have been duped by islamophobic propaganda. I have found these response videos to that islam vid I posted a couple of blogs ago. But here are some response videos to that video that sorta clears up everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_t8xW4QuN0&feature=related

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz1GeyWuC18

I can once again rest easy in finding the beauty in islam once again! I can dream about wearing a hijab and praying five times a day and such. Which makes me happy. I am still unsure if I want to learn Arabic, I'm sort of on a Japanese craze right now after having watched the Absolute Boyfriend Live Action which is getting me into jdramas.

I am still trying to watch Hana-Kimi live action, both of them have the very yummy eye candy Hiro Mizushima in them so it makes it fun to watch. There are significantly more eye candy in Hana-Kimi since its story line is set in a school for attractive young boys. I may try to read the manga afterward, since I think Hana-Kimi is a live action too, I'm not sure. But some small updates in my case other than watching jdramas all day. I have the busiest week of my life next week. I have an interview with Sonic at four pm on Tuesday, Library Volunteer Wednesday, then my DARS appointment on Thursday, oh not to mention Writing club on Monday. I just hope I can survive it. That's two unfamiliar bus trips in one week! One of them I have to try to take a new bus, but I'm going to ask my dad about the location of Sonic cause I think its the same one I'm thinking of, cause the DART guy I called said it was on Walnut Hill but the lady who called me for the interview said it was on the highway, and it is by the highway, I'm just, I don't know, I want to be sure. It is a job interview. I am kinda worried though. Cause the volunteer coordinator at the library said it was possible that the part time job openings might be unfrozen in October, and if I get a job at Sonic, then ... I don't know.

I mean I thought the same thing when I interviewed for Blockbuster and something went wrong, so who knows maybe something will go wrong for this Sonic interview too and I can still be in the running for the library job. But I don't know, how can I mess up an interview for Sonic, that's like made for first time job applyers, right? They are used to teenagers and such working for them, so the fact that I am on the bus shouldn't be too unusual, even though most teenagers can drive. Maybe its time I learn to drive, just for the sake of my independence? I mean Daddy said he would get me a car if I learned how to drive. I should take the offer while its still on the table. Its really annoying that thoughts of my independence is linked with these morbid thoughts of death and abandonment. I don't know why but it is. I wish the thoughts would go away. Maybe they will one day. But back to the job front. I have been waking up thinking, just yesterday and today, thinking about my ideal guy, and when I applied for jobs yesterday, which Sonic was one of them, I remember thinking to myself that I'm doing this for him. I really want my poly family and to get out of Texas and to be happy and free from the worry of losing my parents and not being able to take care of myself. I'm my dad's only child, and my mom has two other daughters, so she should be fine, but I'm all my dad's got, so I feel like I have to sorta be there for him, so he won't be completely alone.

But when I'm around him, I feel null, like I'm not able to be completely myself or something, not like how I felt when I was at Mommy's in Colorado. She had me doing things myself because really I had no choice. She didn't offer to take me places or anything like that because her car didn't usually work, and she was trying to be on call for a job or something. I don't know. I pray that I never have to go through that. I want there to always be someone around to take care of me. Does that seem childish? But I want a job that if I get a chance to move, it won't hurt me emotionally to leave the job, and if i get the job at Sonic, I won't get that invested and want to keep the job for years and years because its like my dream day job or something like that. Working at the library is like a dream day job, I can work a few hours every day and then go home to work on my book and spend time with friends and such. But I don't know if I want that in Texas, cause eventually I want to go back to Colorado, or Washington and eventually, Toronto or maybe London, or Boston, or maybe even Maine. So I don't know there's that, and besides, it seems like the application process for the library might be complicated or even embarrassing like I'd have to do it in person or something!! D:

So hopefully I get to find out my psych evaluation results next week, find out my IQ and all that good stuff, I won't have my job log finished but hopefully I won't get into too much trouble for that -bites nails- I started late cause I wasn't sure I was going to continue with the program, but I want to at least find out my IQ and the results of my evaluation so I'll go through with it just to see that at least, and if they kick me out because I didn't fill out my job log, so be it. I can just fill out the job log on my own time and job search on my own. It has helped, I'll admit to that much. But yeah, I wanted to make a retraction of that Islam thing, so I don't seem like an Islamophobe, spreading propaganda or anything like that. I don't want to be some sort of bigot or anything like that. So I wanted to clear that up.

Enough rambling from me, until next time, Star out.

Need to Feel Alive...

Everything feels so obsolete right now. Like it doesn't matter. Religion. Science. Magic. Stories. None of it, feels worth anything. Right now, the only thing that feels like it has any substance is experience. And its the one thing that I don't have and don't know how to get because I'm too scared. I feel so boring, as if I'm not real. I've been studying all these deep topics but I'm not grounded in anything, no experience to draw from for my story its all fiction, there is no resevoir of experience, of truth of fact of substance, to flesh out my story. Its all fake, and fake is worthless. I mean I could go all fantastical and write about dragons adn faeries, research the mythology and such, but it would just be an escape for the mind.

Its like in college, one of the best nights of my life, I hung out with two middle eastern guys, we played games and then we played frisbee in the rain outside the dorm. I felt so alive in that moment, I had stepped out of my little hole, came out of my dorm and socialized with people, I engaged in life, and I miss that. I miss people my own age to talk to, that aren't associated with this image of how I'm supposed to be, this christian facade that doesn't fit me any more, that makes me feel dead inside, like I'm without a soul because I'm so wrong for believing in more than one holy book. For seeing the divine in humanity instead of some outside force that we've created for ourselves to cope and understand the world.

I just came back from writing club, that's probably what's got me depressed. People are writing these stories about their lives, how they've backpacked from Austria to South Africa and been on a barge that was gross and disgusting but was as large as a village, or how they went to teach English to some remote town in Mexico, or how they have this Jerry Springer-esque family involved with drugs and setting fires, and being married or divorced with actual people they've met in the flesh, no distance, true intimacy, face to face, eye contact, skin contact, hugs and punches, the good and the bad. And I sat there and listened to their stories and listened to the detail and how vivid it chronicled their lives and I felt soo, left out. What have I done?

I've dropped out of college because I couldn't pay for it where my grades dropped because I got side tracked with the internet, the two friends I had sorta abandoned me for their relationships with boys, and there I was without anyone to love me. So I retreated into the online world or roleplaying and started making friends with my online friends, creating elaborate characters I could live through and fall in love and have sex, and go on adventures. And it was through this that I found out about the otherkin community, found my current girlfriend of two years, and found my writer's voice. Then I have this psychotic break and have to find it again. My muse seems so much quieter than it used to be. I am thinking a sigil might change that. I have yet to make it though.

But I have never fell in love with an actual person in my local in real life, in the flesh, I have never had sex in real life, I have never french kissed anyone in real life. I have been on one date, two if you count the movie date I did with my gf, but still. Everything is online with me, I'm still retreated into that world, and not engaged in life. And being here with my dad in a state I don't particularly like isn't helping much. I have to hide who I am with my dad cause he'll never accept a bisexual polyamorous chaos mage as his daughter, he wants a straight monogamous messianic as a daughter and I've sort of grown out of that. And I'm not going back. I'm pretending right now and that's hard enough. I have my gf and my mentor, Zee, but they are still so far away, I wonder if I'll ever meet them in real life, hug them, laugh with them, eat a meal with them. Anything to make them feel more real and less of a figment of my imagination.

But yeah, I don't mean to go all autobiographical but I'm just depressed that I feel I haven't done anything worth writing about. A writer friend on facebook said that good writing is based in pain. I think I'm afraid to dig into the pain that I have that I've blocked the memories out, shrunk them down to minimalist details that are easier to bare,. Not that I've been abused or anything, more manipulated in a way, and emotionally pushed around. I don't want to paint myself as a victim anyway, if Zee were reading this, she'd tell me to stop complaining and just do something about it, instead of waiting around waiting for somehthing to happen to you, go out and make it happen yourself. Easy words, hard to do. Especially if your mind keeps coming up with excuses ...

Okay, enough rambling from me.

Star out.